Lisa H. — Al-Anon

Duration 22:42 

[00:00] Well, hello everyone. You guys are all in your places with bright, shiny faces. Who's in love with an alcoholic here, huh? Oh, you know what? Everybody should, you guys all love alcoholics. You guys are the most fun. Okay? They want, you guys want to know about what I was like before I came to program. Well, I was feral AF, okay? The F word is my favorite word because you can say it in so many ways. You can say, I effin' love that. F-U, F-N-A. You know, those are great, but with the help of Al-Anon, I have toned down my F words, and it is a Catholic church, and I was raised Catholic, and I'm afraid to get hit by a lightning bolt.

[00:41] you know, so some of you sinners out there, watch out. Okay, so what was I like before Al-Anon? Well, way before I got into a marriage where drinking and thinking were bothering me, I was a lot of fun. So of course, where was I going to have all my fun? Was it bars and crazy stuff? And that was my first spiritual awakening was the fact that I was riding that fence of craziness. And God pushed me on this side, the controlling side, the bitchy side, you know? And so I was married and I thought that we were going to have this great relationship and wedding and household and I had all these pictures in my head of, you know, um, You're going to have kids and they're going to go to college and they're going to do this and he's going to do that and I was going to put these pictures in the on the wall and blah, blah, blah.

[01:35] Hell, no, that didn't happen to me. I smashed those pictures had to be smashed because it was not happening. We started off as a partying couple. We went into a marriage as a, I mean, it was like Billy Idol, white wedding, you know, it was just a great wedding. everybody says it was spectacular. Married in my backyard, you know, I don't even remember getting to the hotel room that night. So it was good. And fast forward. You know, we're still having a good time and then I have my first baby and, you know, I'm done partying because I, I mean, I expected maybe on a Saturday night, we'd get a babysitter and we'd go out and party and that would be it.

[02:14] We'd come home, tra la la la. Didn't happen, didn't happen. And, um, so I spent my first few years of marriage trying to control him and pushing him around and pushing him in swimming pools when I thought that he was doing too much. That's the kind I am. I am an asshole, you know, and I mean, and I used to fight a lot in high school. So, um, I know I'm really looking like just a nice grandma right now, but in my mind, because the help of Al-Anon, I don't go and think about, I mean, I do think about tripping people in grocery stores, but I just think for a second.

[02:48] You want to thank my sponsor slash I call her my handler right there because she's been with me this whole time. Fast forward, I had these two gorgeous babies, you know, they're, they're, you know, they're, um, almost 2 years apart. And I thought life was good. And I thought he was going to straighten up and he did what he did. And fast forward. Next thing I know, they became, you guys all know what happened to Santa Clarita in the valley and all of our kids, went to the dark side in the, in about the, the late 90s, early 2000s.

[03:25] Everybody was hitting the brown. And it was sad. The kids were dying like crazy. And my kids got caught up in it. And, you know, I used to do things like jump through windows if they had because, you know, they locked the bedroom door, but they're not smart enough to lock the windows in the front of the house. So I'd sneak around and I'd, oh, there's a bunch of people in that room, you know, and I'd go over there and I'd open that door and I'd jump through the window and I'd be like, what the eff are you guys doing in here?

[03:52] Get the F out of my house, you know? That was the kind of mom I was, you know? They'd have somebody come to the house and I'd go, what the F do you want, you know? And we used to get our phone, you know, our bills with all the phone numbers in there. I would, you know, you really, I'm a detective also. So I would go and look at those phone numbers that were called a lot and I'd call them up and I'd be like, are you selling to my family? Are you, you know, and they'd go, what's it to you?

[04:22] And I go and I'd go, well, I'm going to get every Hell's Angel from here to San Diego coming up to you and busting down your door. You know, I knew one or two.

[04:31] Not enough to bust down a door and that was back in the days when that was before marriage. But, um, you know, it was it was crazy, crazy times. And, um, what happened one night. Um, you know, they were, you know, what comes with the territory, jails, institutions, um, illnesses, you know, it, it, you know, I'm going to laugh about it, and I'm giving you guys the ha has of it, but it wasn't good for them. I mean, I had to do things that no mom should have to do for their kids.

[05:03] you know, in that situation. And I was a retread. I had come back to Al-Anon, and then I came back in, and I came back because one night, my son was on a run and he had, you know, a backpack full of money, a gun and some drugs. And, um, so he, it was Friday night and I had remembered, I had remembered from my last time that there was a group of women and men that were at this meeting over at, um, off of, um, Rinaldi, the Presbyterian over there. They actually have an Al-Anon meeting, an NA meeting there at the same time, and I always wanted to run over their Harleys because in the middle of the meeting, they'd be going with their Harleys.

[05:47] And in my brain, I was like, I could just back my car over and go, oh, I'm so sorry. But those are just thoughts. I didn't do any action. So, but, um, that one night I, um, it was like the first spiritual awakening because I was down. I didn't know where I was going to go and where I was going to turn because when you're out in the normie world, they don't understand. They don't understand that, you know, kids, you know, this disease, this insidious family disease. They come up with these things like, oh, just do this, just leave them, you know, you know, kick them out, whatever.

[06:19] But it's a whole different ball game. And so I went back that night. And believe it or not, some of the same ladies that were there from the time before. I don't know if any of you guys know Cowboy and Lenny. She was from the Cowboy did a lot in the Santa Clarita Valley. And Lenny was really big in Al-Anon at the time. And we used to go to Burbank. She was there that same night. And, um, it was just awesome that they were there that night that I couldn't find anybody to talk to.

[06:51] I couldn't call my parents because my parents wouldn't have understand. I didn't have anybody, you know, my partner who I've done 42 years with them right now. He wouldn't, he didn't feel it the way I felt it when my son was out doing that kind of stuff. And so I ended up going to that meeting and I just got an instant relief that I saw that everybody was living through this. They were giving their power over to a god of their understanding and they were there, letting it go. And taking it back and letting it go and taking it back.

[07:27] But, um, so that was one of my first big godshots, you know, and then, um, they went in and out and I used to say that I would take them to rehab on the first couple times, like going to kindergarten, you know, brown underwear, brand new underwear, you know, a couple, you know, some money on their little, little things for the, for the, you know, the commissary. And, um, so, um, I hope you guys are okay with this joke, but if not, you know, if you get butt hurt, whatever. What's alcoholic without an Al-Anon girlfriend or wife?

[08:00] With no money on their books in jail?

[08:03] Anyways, anyways. So we all do those things in the beginning, you know, and by the time I had gotten, you know, through all of this, and if they wanted to ride you a rehab, because they were always run, you go to court and the first thing they offer you is rehab, right? And then they offer you the card. So by the time the fifth or sixth, because let me tell you, I had two of them, and I called them the tag team brothers, one was going into jail, and I swear to God, the same day one was coming out and when it was going in.

[08:33] So they were tagging me at each end and stuff like that. So, um, You know, by the time I got into Al-Anon and with the help, they got me busy and they got me better. I saw Valerie out here somewhere. I don't know where she's at. She's been very instrumental in the Santa Clarita Valley. Oh, there you are, Valerie. I've been on many boards with her. I've actually worked on the committee for this convention a couple times and had some good, good fun and good practice of the traditions and the concept.

[09:04] So, you know, that's why we come to these meetings and we do these services, because when you do service, you learn how to handle your shit and not, you know, and not get what you want. So, you know, that's the whole thing. It's a human. It's a human. Al-Anon is a human relationship, you know, meaning. It's not just about getting your alcoholic sober. And guess what? You know, we tell people in our program to go to meetings to find the empathy for the alcoholic because you're not doing it to us.

[09:37] You're not doing it because you hate us. And, you know, you know, I always say you're not going to go to an AA meeting and find that, oh, the Al-Anon mom got me sober, you know, or, you know, you're not going to hear it. You're not going to say, you know, they're going to say, well, she kicked me out, you know, and, you know, you're a little grumbling and stuff like that. But, um, yeah, getting busy is really going to help you a lot and practicing your Twelve Steps, you know, um, it was, it was very instrumental in the beginning for me to um, hang out with.

[10:09] I did. I came in at a very good time, 20 years ago, and people were still, um, the Al-Anon ladies were still loading up in vans and going and doing things. And, um, we had a great time.

[10:21] They would listen to me rant. My sponsor had a lot of patience with me because I'm very smart. I would call her after I did things because I knew because I would do things like, you know, in the beginning, I would, I would, like if I saw a pipe, I would break it and then, oh, I don't know, you know, I would break it and leave it. But with the help Al-Anon, what I did afterwards. And this is the PSA, because don't do what I do. I would sit there and I would hide the pipe and they'd go looking for it and then I'd put it back because while he was looking for it, I'd be like, I don't know where it is.

[11:00] I don't know. And then, you know, once they left and they come back, I'd put it back where exactly was. So that was progress. Progress, not perfection, you know?

[11:12] And, you know, the title that you guys gave is trust the process. And if you're new to this program of Al-Anon, I wish I could say you were going to get it in one year, but it doesn't happen that way. Life is life. And it's not easy. Life is not easy. There's a person, places and things, and once people get sober, it's just not easy. Um, I have been in this program to where they, I've taken direction, you know, it's about taking good, good, orderly direction and trusting people that go before you and sticking with the winners because that's what I looked for because if somebody who lost a loved one through this disease or their loved one has gone to jail or different things and they were still able to laugh because that's what I got back was my laugh, my laughing, you know?

[12:06] We have a rock star amongst us. His name is John Candelaria and his father has had a long, long camp called Magic in the Mountain. And it was very, very instrumental for me to go to this camp and learn how to be happy again because I lost my happiness. And I love shits and giggles. There's nothing more than just hanging out and just being silly. I love all of that. So that was the help of Al-Anon with AA participation because I was going and I could see people that were sober and coming back.

[12:43] And then I had hope that that could happen in my family. And then I could see people's families that were not sober, but they were coming back and they were being happier. You could see the progression. You know, we always say, stick with the winners and spot what you what you see because that's important, you know? You're not going to be better if you hang around with sad sacks all the day, you know, it's just not going to happen. So fast forward, those picture frames that I talk about that are picture perfect, you know?

[13:15] They were all broken, but this, you know, I've had so many spiritual awakenings and different things that happened to me. My kids got out of it. I was shocked that they, you know, and I didn't do anything because by the time they were really into their, you know, into it, they had turned my house into a trap house, I moved out. The city attorney's office came and said, you got to do something, and that was the last one to leave the house, but I wasn't living there at the time. I was taking care of me.

[13:45] And that's what that's the trust in the process is taking care of yourself and letting their God take care of them, their higher power take care of them. So, um, Never in a million years because when they were doing everything that they were doing, I was just praying for Taco Bell, you know, a job at Taco Bell. I would, when they went to jail, I would, you know, because I was hiding in bathrooms, you know, you know, at work and crying because I didn't, you know, I didn't know what was going on.

[14:17] I didn't know where my kids were at. I didn't know what was going on. And I would hide in a bathroom and cry at work. Well, and I did because I didn't want anybody to ask me about my kids. I didn't want them to say, oh, how are your kids? And what do I get to say? Oh, he's got a job in jail. Isn't that great? Now I could come to Al-Anon and tell you guys, I'm so proud. He's got a job in jail. He's making extra money. You know? You know, put that on a bumper sticker, biatch.

[14:42] No. But so guess what? I have pictures today. Both of them are sober. One's California.

[14:54] One's California sober, but anyways, so, but they're doing really well. They have jobs, they have wives. Now, I didn't get invited to any wedding. But that was because I was a biatch. It was because it was just the way it was. And I could have gone crazy over that. You know, your kid got married and you weren't there. Guess what? I did do that.

[15:21] I called my, you know, I called my people. I laid it on them. I didn't lay it on my kids, you know? I, you know, and I, I, I was able to speak up and I said, oh, by the way, I said to him, I really wanted to be there, but I'm happy for you. You know, you do have to speak up for yourself, but I did say I'm happy for you and it's great. And then fast forward, I got grandkids. Wow. Never expected that. I told him from the get go, no kids, because I thought, what the hell?

[15:49] You know, when you have sons and they screw. Oh my god, the women, they bring, they brought home. Oh, Jesus. Anyways, anyways, anyways, anyways. Fast forward, that's what my life is today. And I have a good relationship with my daughter-in-laws because of Al-Anon. My expectations are not, they're there, but they're not forward in the foremost of my mouth. I can think it and I can keep it in my head and I don't have to say it. And that's because I've done the work and I've done the study. A few, lots of years back at this convention, they had a really good work study and it was called, it was about maturity.

[16:33] And that's the thing is, is that I've matured so much. There's like a whole list of things about being mature, and it helps out. We're not just about Twelve Steps. We go into concepts and we go into traditions. And one of the biggest traditions is, is it good for the group? What you say is it going to be harmful? Is it going to be hurtful? Is it going to be is it going to help you out? And sometimes if you think those things, then, you know, go ahead and say it, but say it in a way in a loving, kind way.

[17:02] This year has not been one of my best years. I had my very, very best person in my whole life passed away in December. She was my mother, my best friend, my sister, my Al-Anon sister. And, um, I had a really rough time because, you know, the should have, could have, and what is it you could have done for your friend because she did battle cancer. And I never thought in a million years it was going to end the way that it did and it did abruptly. And so here I am, for the first few months, I couldn't even, you know, like right.

[17:41] I couldn't even say her name or look at anybody that knew her without breaking down, crying. I just couldn't do it And, um, So I ended up, um, I even missed out on Camp Seely. That one of my favorite things to do. I hope you guys would all go to that Camp Seely. And, um, So I didn't go to that. Things started, you know, started to get better, but then I started getting into the guilt, but with the steps, you know, working in the Tenth Step, you know, making amends and making amends are in different ways.

[18:12] I've been able to do that by helping her family out, helping her with the house or talking to her brother or talking to her sister. So there's all kinds of ways to keep your side of the street clean in this program. I am currently in my 42nd year in a relationship. We got married in my backyard. We've dated in the same Granada Hills area, and now we're empty nesters, and it's freaking hard as hell being married when you're all by yourselves and it's just the two of you. You know? It's hard.

[18:44] It's hard. I'm, you know, I'm not sugar, sugar coat, nothing, you know, because, you know, I, like I said, I'm angry. I'm still angry, you know?

[18:56] I got a lot of, you know, I wish I could be kind, but I am, but it's progress because, you know, we had a big blowout this morning, right? We had a big blowout. I, you know, there was another joke that I laughed about when you're married, you don't really have a lot of sex. You have that hallway sex where you walk by each other and you go, fuck you, no, fuck you.

[19:17] Anyways. Anyways, in the past, in the past. Okay, five minutes. fine. I would have just, you know, ripped him to shreds, brought everything from 1986. No, '84, 1984 because we were that couple that we broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together again. And we're still married, but so my progress is that after we got into this big fight, you did this, but you do that and I'm not going to do that and you can't tell me what to do. And, um, we went our separate TV ways, you know, TV is a big thing.

[20:02] You know, what you watch, what I watch, right? And um, It is, it is, you know? So he goes to me, oh, you're going to your thing tonight. And then he's like, yeah, and I'm like, yeah, and kind of like, and then I remembered what my sponsor says, be nice, you know? And I was like, yeah, I'm going. you know, and he goes, oh, you look nice. And I'm like, thank you. And he's all, oh, do you need any money for any of that stuff? Not like he doesn't take the money out of my purse?

[20:32] He's always taking my cash. But, um, I was like, no, I have some and, you know, they're nice enough to feed me for free. And oh, we need to say thank you to those chefs in those kitchen help. I, yes, yes. I'm loving what they put out tonight. I'm loving it. And he goes, well, make sure to make a donation for me. And I was like, brother, you've never gone to a meeting unless you had to have a card sign, you know, I don't know what you're talking about.

[21:01] Oh, that reminded me. I'll tell you one last thing about me. Okay, so I used to do a lot of institution work, you know, I love institutions because I want to share the message of Al-Anon because a lot of people in rehabs don't know about it. So I've gone to all the institution conventions and lo and behold, there was the judge that had developed the card, the signing card. And so I caught him in the in the hallway outside of the thing and I was like, I was like, do you know that anybody can sign that card?

[21:37] There's nothing honest about it. And I think you, you know, you need to do something about that. He just looked at me like, you're crazy, lady. stuff, but I, you know, I have so many stories of my craziness and now I can honestly say that through this help in working the steps and hopefully that you guys will all try it. Even double winner meetings are awesome. You know, I love going to those because once you guys, um, it's about a human relationships, you know, Al-Anon starts off as getting people, wanting people to be sober, but it ends up being about yourself, how you handle people, people, places, and things.

[22:18] And, um, I've gotten a lot of peace. I've gotten a lot of laughter and a lot of love from AA and Al-Anon. And I want to thank all of you guys being here and for supporting such a good time because I've had a lot of good times at Santa Clarita Convention. You guys do know how you got spirituality, you have fun, and you know how to have a good time. So thank you very much.