Dave C, Dallas, TX

Okay, I'd like to introduce our speaker for this evening, Dave C. from Dallas.

[00:00:21] Hi everybody, my name is Dave C., an alcoholic. Through the 12 steps is outlined in the first 164 pages of the big book Alcoholics Anonymous. I've found it necessary to take a drink since April 16, 1999, and it's good to be here. Richard, thanks for inviting me and you guys bringing me out. It was not a cloud in the sky today, what could go wrong? I got on that flight, got there early, just like they told me, checked my bag because I don't want to mess with it. I just want to go to my seat with something to watch a movie on and relax, and I get here. My friend Liz was there to pick me up at the airport, and American Airlines lost my bag. And so no coat, no tie, or not a coat, but no pants, no tie, no belt, no shoes, anything like that. Now I had a pair of tennis shoes, white tennis shoes. Now there's a bunch of young guys in my home group that wear suits with white tennis shoes, but I just can't pull that off. That just doesn't work for me. So anyway, besides not having clothes and medicine and phone chargers and all that stuff, I'm hoping maybe they find my bag in Dallas somewhere and send it to me, but it's been a great day.

[00:01:44]It's beautiful up here, and I'm really honored to be here. You know, I perked up when you talked about that Kahlua and milk.

[00:01:57] And I'll tell you a little story. I was 22 years old, and I drank a lot of gin. And I developed an ulcer, bleeding ulcer. And went to the doctor, and he said, how much do you drink? And I was honest with him. And he said, you can't drink that. You've got to stop drinking gin. And I said, okay. And so I go to my Quinn 615, that was my best friend, owned a supper club in Beloit, Wisconsin. And I said, Denny, what do I do? He goes, I've got this new drink for you. It'll be good for your stomach, too. It's cream, Kahlua, and Coke. Equal portions. Tastes just like a root beer float. Okay? And you want to talk about putting on pounds. Whoa, man. You pound 10, 15 of them a night, you know.

[00:02:48] But my ulcer went away, so I could go back to gin after that. So I'm going to tell you guys in a general way what I was like, what happened to me, and what I'm like today. And you may not have drank like I did. You may not have had the same consequences, circumstances, or life experiences. But I'm pretty sure that you're going to have felt like I did. Because I find most of us feel the same way. And that was finally what hooked me in from some other people.

[00:03:38] I was born in a little small town in Arkansas when I was youngest of five kids. And when I was like two or three, I think, we moved to northern Illinois. My dad got a job, a union job, instead of a low-paying, go-nowhere job. And we moved to Rockford, Illinois. And like I said, youngest of five kids, I didn't know.

[00:04:05] We were probably lower middle class, but, you know, I just didn't know that. We had lots of, we had always had a garden, and we lived in the county, so we could, we had chickens, and we had fresh eggs. And every once in a while on a Sunday, one of those chickens would go missing, and we'd have chicken on Sunday afternoons.

[00:04:30] And that's how I was raised, you know, and pretty good parents. They did not drink at all. My dad died at 92 years old in 2019, and I don't know if he ever had a drink.

My mom died in 2001.

[00:04:52] I never saw it, but I'm pretty sure she probably had a drink sometime in her life. She had, I may get some of my tendencies from her, but we went to church. We were church people. Went to church Sunday morning, Sunday night, Wednesday night, and then we were also there maybe another night or two. Anything that was going on, we were there. That's how I was raised. And it was, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this, don't do this. There was nothing about love, compassion, forgiveness.

[00:05:26] And I just knew everything I wasn't supposed to do. My concept of God, really until I got in AA, was that God made a list of all the good stuff I did. And he made a list of all the bad stuff. And then the day I died, somebody got out the abacus and they added it all up. If I did more good than bad, I went to heaven. If more bad than good, I'd go to hell. And I was sure I was going to go to hell from an early age until I was four years old.

[00:06:00] So, you know, I knew not to drink. I mean, it was, you didn't do it. They talked about it. They preached about it. So, I was 14 years old. I was a freshman in high school. My sister took me to the high school dance, Thomas Jefferson High School, Rockford, Illinois. It was a Saturday night dance. And I didn't know how to dance. Because they preached against dancing, too, right? That was bad. Something happened. A boy and a girl start dancing. I don't know what all happens. Pretty soon, somebody's pregnant. And I didn't want any part of that. I didn't understand the physics or geometry or any of that, okay? But I knew not to drink. So, I'm walking into that dance. And a guy I played football with, it was in the fall of the year. And he said, hey, Dave, you want a beer? I said, yes. Immediately. And we go standing behind these two big trees by the library at the high school. And we had a six-pack of Budweiser Shorties. He took from his dad's garage. There are things in my life that I can remember so vividly.

[00:07:12] And that's one of them. I can picture where I was and what that was all about. It was cool. It was in the fall in Illinois. And I drank my first beer. And I can't tell you that I thought it was good or bad. It was different. And then I drank the second one. Again, I don't know. People say, oh, does the magic happen? I don't know what happened. And then I drank the third one.

[00:07:41] And I went into the dance. I paid my $2, $3, whatever it was.

[00:07:47] Now, I know most of the guys in here weren't like me. But I would go to those dances before, and I would stand up against the wall in the gymnasium thinking about the girls I wanted to ask the dance, but not going to ask them because I can't handle rejection or public humiliation. I still don't do very well with that. And, but that night I felt different. I stood up against that wall, and I looked, and I saw the prettiest girl I thought was the prettiest girl in school. And I strolled across that gym floor. I mean, I strolled. I strutted. I went right to her. She was a senior. I was a freshman.

[00:08:29] Hey, hey, hey. I used to have gang. And she, I asked her to dance, and she said, okay. Now, my only reference for dancing is maybe watching a little American bandstand, or if I wanted to live on the edge a little bit, maybe a little soul train, you know. When my mom and dad were gone, you know, on a Saturday morning or Saturday. So we danced, and I must have danced okay.

[00:08:57] I don't know, because they started to play a slow song, and she said, you want to dance to this? And I said, yes. So I drank that night for the first time. I danced for, I fast danced, and then I slow danced. And we got all snuggled up, and we're slow dancing back and forth. And that's the first time a girl ever blew hot air on my neck. And I've been chasing that feeling for 53 years. With not a lot of success. And, man, it was on. It was just, it was the greatest night ever. Went to somebody's house afterward. We drank some more. I got sick. I drank some more.

[00:09:41] We had a plan. There were four of us guys who lived in the same neighborhood, about three or four miles from the school. One of the guys had a, he was a year older, had a driver's license. And, but he was passed out in the car, and he couldn't drive. So back then we had paper license with no pictures on them. So we switched the license around in case we got stopped. And we go to the bottom of the hill. We got to turn left. And I don't know. I said it's 100 yards. Might have been 200. Might be 300 yards. And go up. Turn right into the neighborhood. The guy that owned the car lived right there. So we just have to jog a little bit, pull in his driveway, get him out, put him on the front porch, ring the doorbell, and go home.

[00:10:35] And that was, it was good. I mean, we didn't plan on him passing out. But we just, it was simple. We're going to have to walk three or four blocks home. And it would have been the best night ever.

[00:10:47] And a guy today who is still a good friend of mine, who is, I'm still, I'm on a text thread with guys I went to high school with. And there's a couple, and that's long, that's next year will be 50 years. And we know how to text.

[00:11:08] And to make a group, you know.

[00:11:12] But the guy that was driving, he's been a dear friend. And he always folds under pressure. Okay? He just gets nervous. And you can't count on him for anything. If there's anything sinister, maybe a little illegal, he is not the guy to take with. So we're sitting at that stoplight, and a cop car pulled up next to us.

[00:11:37] Not thinking, they weren't thinking about 14, 15, 16-year-old boys. They just were driving around, not wanting to get in any trouble. What do I do? What do I do? Nothing. You don't do anything. You don't know anything. Just wait. Wait until the light turns green, turn left, pull in the drive. Bah, that's it. Oh, my God, they're looking at us. Well, stop looking at them.

[00:11:57] And then he ran that red light.

[00:12:00] Turn left, drove up, hit a mailbox, and then they had to get involved. And so the first night I drank, we got arrested for minor drinking, they called it. They brought a paddy wagon, and they took us to Juvenile Hall. That's what they called it.

[00:12:20] There's probably a kinder, softer name for that in place now. And they put us on a wooden bench, and they handcuffed one hand to it. And your parents couldn't pick you up until 7 in the morning.

[00:12:35] And you're sitting on that bike. And I've got to tell you, I started feeling pretty bad. I've been sick already, and smelled like vomit probably, and just did not feel good. And you can't really sleep. And so I hear my dad, it's, you know, 7 o'clock. He comes in, does the paperwork, pays whatever he has to pay.

[00:12:55] I recognize the sound of his wingtips, because he was dressed for church.

[00:13:03] And we get in the car, and he said, Your mom and I are really disappointed in you. We thought you knew better.

[00:13:17] Hit me, spanked me, right? He didn't even ground me. He just told me he was disappointed in me.

[00:13:25] And I couldn't handle that.

[00:13:27] And there's a whole other back story about that. I'm just going to tell you. We'd go to the church building, and if you went to church, and you memorized a memory verse, you got a gold star on a piece of paper by your name. And I'd get behind. And when we'd go over to the church to do something, I would sneak away from my mom and dad, go in the classroom, get the gold stars up, and get caught up, okay?

[00:13:55] And I like gold stars. You know? And my 25th AA birthday, some of the younger, I call them girls, young girls in AA, they gave me 25,000 gold stars. And I still have them. I'm sitting right there. I see them every day. I know how special I am. And, but that was no gold stars. Dad, you're disappointed in me. So they made me get showered, cleaned up. We went to church. We did some work around the house. Went back to church at 6 o'clock. Don't tell anybody. Don't tell anybody. Just don't embarrass us. And I went home. And went to bed. And slept good. Got up the next day. Went to school. And I was a rock star.

[00:14:50] You guys said, you danced with Gail. She's a senior. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You guys had beer. Yeah, yeah, yeah. You and Bill were drinking beer. Yeah, then you went over to this. And then you got arrested. Said, yeah, greatest night ever. Yeah.

[00:15:07] But I liked. I don't care what the consequences were. I liked that you liked that.

[00:15:14] I felt like I fit in.

[00:15:17] Because I'd spent most of my time feeling like I didn't fit in. That I was left out. And the disease of perception. Perception of our life. That I was left out. I will tell you, I was a freshman. I got promoted up to, and I played a few games, varsity football as a freshman. Wasn't great. But we were a bad team. But I got to, I mean, it was something to be proud of.

[00:15:50] I was my class president. My freshman year. A lot of people knew who I was. But yet I felt like I didn't fit in or wasn't good enough.

[00:16:04] My school colors were red.

[00:16:07] Red and white. And all the guys got red Chuck Taylor low top shoes to wear.

[00:16:17] And they were $5 more than the Keds.

[00:16:23] And why do I know that? Because it was on my fifth step. My mom and dad said they couldn't afford it and they bought me Keds. And I hated it. And they got stolen. You know? I mean, yeah.

[00:16:37] Because I'd rather go wear some other goofy shoe than feel like people are making fun of me. That's just how my life was. That's just how it was. I didn't drink every chance every week. We drank every chance we got like a lot of teenagers.

[00:16:53] I never really got in any more trouble. In high school, I went to, I went to, I was going to, I wanted to go to the University of Illinois. My parents wanted me to go to a Christian college. So I went to a Christian college.

[00:17:07] I was there about, and they were really strict. Okay, girls had to wear dresses. Guys couldn't have hair on their collars. Had to wear a collared shirt every day. You know, all that stuff.

[00:17:20] You could smoke in your dorm room, though. But you couldn't drink. It was in a dry county in Arkansas. And about, I don't know, three, four weeks in, I went out with some guys and we got some beer. And we got caught drinking and I got kicked out of school. I went back to Illinois, I got a job, I worked, my parents were embarrassed and all that. And I started drinking and partying, saved my money. And I went back to school, same school the next year, with a plan. And I was there about six weeks and I was with some guys and we went across the, it was a dry county. So we went across the county, we bought some beer, they caught us, they kicked us out of school.

[00:18:02] I go back home, work, save money. I go back, I got a plan next year. I moved into a single dorm, single room, because it was probably the people around me. That's why I would get caught, okay. And I was on a date off campus and she thought we were going to go to the pizza inn and then to a movie. And I went across the county and bought a 40 ounce. And we're parked in the country, I'm drinking. And the county sheriff saw the college parking sticker and called the campus police and they came out there and caught us. And they kicked me out and they kicked her out. Even though she wasn't drinking.

[00:18:52] And I went back home, going to have the same plan, but it just wasn't working, it wasn't working. So my best friend growing up, he was the preacher's son and he was having the same kind of problems with his parents as I was with mine. And so we decided we were going to move. And we moved 1,000 miles away, 900 miles away. And the first day I was there, he got a job. I got a really good job. And that was in 81.

[00:19:28] And he passed away in 2017. And he had the same job. And he stopped drinking like I did. And he met a girl and started dating her. And they got married and they bought a house. And they went on vacation. They took their kids to Disney. They did all that stuff, right? They had a lake house.

[00:19:55] And my first day there, I met a guy in a bar and he was a bookie. And I went to work for him. And it's not like we, you know, we didn't break kneecaps and do all that. But it's mostly small little bets and pools and pull tabs. And so I would just go, when guys got off work, 3 o'clock, I would just go from bar to bar to bar and collect money and pay money and do all that. And stay out all night. And I met this girl and I was dating her. And she was probably the nicest person I ever met in my life. Really just kind.

[00:20:37] Cared about other people. And she was studying to be a nurse. And she didn't want to go out drinking all night. And if she had to study, she, you know, I'll see you in a few days. And I needed more valid, I need someone to tell me I'm okay. Right? And, but she's a great, great person.

[00:21:01] And I met this other girl who we started seeing each other because she would go out at 8 or 9 o'clock at night and stay out until 4 o'clock in the morning and throw glasses at you and ashtrays and threaten to stab you in your sleep. And jump out of the car at a stop sign or red light screaming and blah, blah, blah. And I like women like that. And so we're dating and going out, you know, late at night.

[00:21:30] And it was just, it was the perfect setup, I thought. And then the girl that, I was seeing it later at night, called me one morning, it was early, and said, hey, we got to talk. I said, what's up? She said, I'm pregnant. I said, okay, well, I'll take you to get the abortion and pay for it. She said, well, I'm not going to get an abortion.

[00:21:53] So I'm not going to marry you. And she said, well, I wouldn't marry you.

[00:22:01] And I've told a lot of lies in my life, but I think I told the biggest lie ever, and I didn't know I was lying. I said, okay, here's what we'll do. We will do this together. I will pay all the doctor bills, hospital bills, and we'll wait to see this child is born, and we'll figure out how he's raised.

[00:22:19] And I believe that. I really did. And I went to the first doctor's appointment, and, you know, I paid $40, $30, whatever it was. I paid that. And then there was another one, and I missed that one, and then there was more. And then one day, she said, she lived in a little house that her mom and dad owned. And she said, and she was, so she stopped drinking, doing all the other stuff she did, and straightened herself up, you know. And she said, hey, I need some money. I need to go buy a crib and a bassinet and some other stuff. And I remember thinking, well, why do you want my money?

[00:23:06] Why don't you use your money? I didn't say that, but I thought that.

[00:23:12] And she was trying to be a good mom.

[00:23:18] And then I couldn't go to doctor's appointments.

[00:23:22] And I couldn't pay the bills. And people are calling the house and calling her mom and dad's house. And they told me that if I didn't take care of the daughter, they would kill me. They were a little redneck-y. And they were good people, but that's how they took care of stuff.

[00:23:46] And so one day, I packed up my car, and I went back to Illinois.

[00:23:51] And she had that little boy, and she named him David. And I never told my mom and dad that they had a grandson.

[00:24:02] I never told my best friend, never told my employer. I met somebody and got married, and I never told her. I didn't tell my mom and dad, because that's not how I was raised. No gold stars.

[00:24:15] I knew it was the wrong thing. That's not how they taught me. I kept that secret. And I'd call her at 2 and 3 in the morning, drunk from a pay phone in a gas station, pre-cell phones.

[00:24:31] And just miserable, guilt.

[00:24:37] Boy, I got to be about 3 years old. It was in the springtime. And mom was, had the windows open, airing out the house. Front door was open, screen door locked. Back door open, screen door locked.

[00:24:51] Son was watching TV, some cartoon or something. And had a couple toys, little trucks with him. And somehow or another, she was in the basement doing laundry or something. And he got the screen door open, and he walked a few houses down. And he sat down in a neighbor's driveway and was playing with his trucks. Neighbor went out through the house and got in his car and backed up and ran over and killed my son.

[00:25:21] And they called and told me, what do you do with that, right? I had no solution. I went to the bar that night. I went to a couple bars, but the main bar. I told that story. Oh, my son got ran over today. And I don't know when the funeral is and all that.

[00:25:38] Everybody pats you on the back, tell you they love you and I feel sorry for you. Let me buy you a shot. Let me buy you a drink. And I said, okay. I took it all in. I never told anybody.

[00:25:57] I didn't go. They told me if I came to the funeral.

[00:26:02] But Dad said he'd kill me.

[00:26:05] He said, you killed my grandson. You killed my grandson by not being a man. I thought, yep. Yeah, I know. That's how I was raised. I know. I talked to my son's mother every day for the next three days. And they had the funeral. And I talked to her before it. And I can't pretend to know how she felt.

[00:26:27] My feeling was probably mostly guilt. Because I'd only met my son three, four, five times, you know. And birthday presents were late. Christmas presents didn't come. No kind of child support was paid. Just typical behavior for me. And no responsibility. And they had my son's funeral. And they go back to Mom and Dad's house. And everybody from the family is there. And there's people from Mom and Dad's church. And they brought food in. And they're doing all that stuff that people do.

[00:27:07] And she went in the bedroom to change clothes. And she, her mom and Dad's bedroom. And she went to the closet and got a handgun. And she took her own life.

[00:27:17] And they, they called and told me.

[00:27:23] You did this. You did this. You did this. If I ever see you, I will kill you. You killed my daughter. You killed my grandson. And they told me what I was. And I, I, I was. I mean, I, I was not a man. I was not that.

[00:27:41] I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you. I'm going to tell you. You get a hole like that inside you. You can't drink enough whiskey to make that go away. And if you think about something every morning.

[00:27:53] First thing. And every night before you go to sleep. That thing becomes your higher power. And that was my higher power. And I never told a soul.

[00:28:04] Nobody. I didn't know what to do. I didn't want you to tell me that I wasn't good enough. So that other girl. The sweetest, nicest, wonderful girl. I called her when I found out that she was pregnant. And we met. And I said, listen, I can't see anymore. I've been seeing somebody else for six months. At night. After you go to bed. And she's pregnant. So we need to break up. And she said, okay. And she walked out my life. And I said to the bartender, man, that went well. She didn't get mad or anything. And my life after my son's mother killed herself and he died. It just became, it was pitiful.

[00:28:54] You know, I could tell you stories about all the time I've been arrested. And DUIs and all kinds of stuff like that. But I felt alone. And did not know what to do.

[00:29:07] And did not know this God that I knew. He had a list. Okay. And he, I know that list got bigger of the bad stuff. So there was no need to talk to him.

[00:29:22] I went to work for really good people. We sold garbage trucks. We traveled all over the country. It's a perfect job for a guy who's a raging alcoholic. With a credit card, company credit card with seemingly no limit.

[00:29:41] And I'm a test of the limit guy. And at this point in time, I also discovered a flaw in the company's accounting system.

[00:29:57] And I stole $130,000 over a year.

[00:30:04] I was in Austin, Texas, coming out of the Huddle restaurant on a Tuesday morning. And my cell phone rang. And it was my, the owner of the company and the boss. And he said, hey, what's, where are you? And I told him, he said, listen, we got a problem. I said, what's the problem? He said, you have stolen $70,000 from us. I thought, what? Huh? What?

[00:30:29] And the credit, your credit card is almost full and it has a $100,000 limit. Ooh, really? Because I'd figured out how, it took me about a year, but I figured out how to get cash advances on that credit card. You know? So anyway. Yeah. I mean, I tried, it took me a long time to figure out their PIN number. Right? And he said, I want you to come back right now. Bring the truck back. I started having a garbage truck that we were showing people. And so I headed back towards Chicago. And you know what they did?

[00:31:04] They turned my company credit card off. I had to pay the expenses to get back home. And I got back on April 1st, 1997.

[00:31:15] And they put me in a room. And the owner and the president of the company talked to me. These two guys were on the board of directors of the Christian youth camp that my dad was on with them.

[00:31:32] And they talked to me and I do what we do. I slung snot. I cried. I begged. I lied. I did all that stuff.

[00:31:43] I knew a little bit about AA because my brother went to rehab about six years before that. And after he got out, I used to give him rides to meetings and then he'd get a ride home. And he ended up drinking and died of this disease about nine or ten months after he went to rehab. But anyway, I said, I'm going to go to AA tomorrow.

[00:32:09] And they said, well, you know, we have really good insurance. Why don't you do like J.R. did in the shop and go to rehab? I said, well, I don't think I'm that bad. And so the next day I started trying to go to meetings at nine o'clock in the morning. I didn't like the looks of the people. Didn't like the people at noon.

[00:32:34] People at three o'clock. At that meeting, the downtown group, they were, I'd call them bridge and tunnel guys, you know. And I was, I was one broke down car from being a bridge and tunnel guy, you know. I just didn't know it.

[00:32:50] And then I went to the 515 at the upper room. And there was a guy that went to church with my mom and dad. And I did not want him to know that I was an alcoholic. Probably already did. But so I didn't go to that meeting. Then I went all the way across town to Eastside Howe. And they were dressed up. They looked nice. And I said, ah, no, they're not my people. I'm not going to that meeting. And I went back to the upper room, 8 o'clock. I got there at 8 o'clock and 30 seconds.

[00:33:19] I walked in, sat at the first chair. It was at a two-top table, four-top table by myself. This little bitty short guy. I mean, he's probably five foot tall. I'm walking over, shuffling over. And I was looking at him. And his jeans, cuffs were rolled up about that tall. And he said, hi, my name's Blair. Do you drink coffee? And I said, yeah. He said, hold on. He walked over and gave me a half a cup of coffee and looked at me, reaching his pocket, and got a Hershey's bar out, broke half of it, gave it to me, and said, here, eat this. It might help. We'll talk after the meeting.

[00:33:58] And I talked to Blair, Bill, and Jamie after the meeting. And I worked for Bill when I was in high school. He owned a lawn and garden center. And he was in the back drinking vodka while we were in the front drinking whiskey and beer. And they talked to me about alcoholics and animals. They got a book out.

[00:34:21] And they just talked about being in a group and being there. People know that you'll be there so they see you and try to help others. It certainly wasn't as intense as the kind of AAM or structure that I'm in now. But these guys just laid it all out just beautifully.

[00:34:45] And they said, read something out of this book tonight. Call one of us if you want to drink.

[00:34:57] When you get home, get on your knees and say, God, thank you for letting me not drink today. And help me sleep. And in the morning, you get up and say, God, thank you for letting me sleep. Please help me not drink today. And then Blair said, can you be here at the meeting tomorrow night at 8 o'clock? You know, come in here about 7? Yeah, I sure can. He goes, I need your help. I'm setting up. All right. They already know how important I am. And my job was emptying and washing ashtrays from the 515 meeting.

[00:35:31] And I started going to meeting every day. Every day. Every day. Every day.

[00:35:41] But I saw there were steps on the wall.

[00:35:45] And one I could handle. Two was all right. Three was all right. Four. Make a list.

[00:35:53] Okay?

[00:35:54] And then five.
[00:35:58] God. God knows how I am. I don't need to tell Him, right? I know how I am. I don't need to tell myself.

[00:36:06] And tell somebody else, no, I'm out. But I kept on going to meetings. And they'd go around and they'd get to me and I'd go, pass!

[00:36:16] And I'd drink before the meetings, after the meetings. And I started drinking during the meetings. I'd put little bottles in my boot or something. And Blair said to me, hey, listen, I want you to come every day whether you're drinking or not. But don't throw your empties away in the trash, in the bathroom. It might cause harm to somebody else. And I couldn't understand that. So I went to meetings every day and got drunk every day.

[00:36:45] This is my experience.

[00:36:48] Meeting makers don't make it. Step takers make it.

[00:36:53] And that was a hard thing for me. Now meetings are certainly a part of my recovery. And very important in the interaction with people in AA. But I cannot survive just going to meetings. I need more than that. Just like those steps lay out.

[00:37:11] Two years and two weeks to the day. April 16th. I got a new job. I was out of town on business. I got drunk. I got arrested. I knew my life was over. I go back to that meeting night. I got a broken nose. I'm missing a tooth. Fingers broke over here. Ribs are bruised. And I knew my life was over. I was going to lose this new job. And I walk in. And Blair sees me. And comes beeline. And he takes my hand. And he always would pat it. He said, it's going to be okay. I said, no, you don't understand. I'll do anything you want me to do. He said, good. We'll talk after the meeting. And I talked to Blair, Jamie, and Bill.

[00:37:59] You know what they told me? Same stuff they told me two years before. They didn't tell me. They didn't make it soft because I was special. They didn't tell me. They told me the truth. If you do not do these things, you will die.

[00:38:13] That was a Thursday night and a week from Saturday, 7 o'clock. I was at Blair's house to do my fifth step.

[00:38:20] And I would call and say, how do we do it? He said, out of the book. Best advice I ever got. Best direction.

[00:38:27] If you're reading the book at home and it asks you a question, you stop. You read it out loud in the first person and you answer it. What? Talk to myself? Yeah, you said you probably already do. And if it tells you to do something, you do it. What do you mean? Make a list. Write this down. Pray this.

[00:38:52] I said, okay. Okay. And before I hit his door, I'm in tears. I'm sobbing like I've never sobbed.

[00:39:08] And I said, I got this blankety blank list. And I don't know where this goes. Probably in all the columns. But I killed my son and his mother.

[00:39:21] Tell me the story. And I told him. He said, you didn't. Yeah, you did all this stuff wrong, but you did not kill him. And we talked about it some more. And something happened to me. My face started tingling. I remember it.

[00:39:38] I mean, I was having a hard time. And I got calm.

[00:39:45] And I said, Blair, I don't know what's going on. He said, freedom. Those secrets, they kill you. You're getting that out. So let's go on. That was the tough one. We got it out of the way. And then I went on with my life. Six months later, I got an apartment. My daughter's living with me. And I got a phone on the wall. You can call 815-555-1212 and say, Dave C. And they'll give you a phone number. And I will answer. Even though a lot of people were looking for me. And I get a phone call one night.

[00:40:26] Is this David C.? Yes. I am so-and-so from this agency. And yeah, what's going on? I thought it was a bill collector at first. But he said, no, there's a... Do you know so-and-so? I said, yeah. God, I hadn't thought about her in 19 years. He said, well, there's a question of paternity of an adult child. I said, what's that mean? I mean, I understand. I was confused. He said, well, there's a chance this woman thinks... This girl, this young lady thinks that you are her father. I said, well, so what do you want to do? We want to coordinate some tests between your doctors and our doctors. And we'll take care of all that. And we'll see if that is your daughter.

[00:41:18] I said, did you know her mother? Yes. I said, yeah. Yeah, we went out for a while. That's a girl I... She walked out. I told her I couldn't see her anymore. And so anyway, I said, can I call you back? They said, sure. So I called Blair because that was the night we took off. We didn't go to a meeting. And I told him what happened. I said, should I take the test? Yes, we take the test. I said, yeah, but what if she wants 18 years worth of child support?

[00:41:47] And he said, yeah, you're always thinking of others, aren't you? He said, we take the test. And I took the test. And I had a daughter. She was pregnant at the same time. And I didn't know. And so how do I get to know her? I don't know. Some people in AA helped me. They told me how to be her friend and not try to... She was raised by a great guy. Fantastic. Best guy. She was my dad. He was just awesome. Right? He is. Still is to this day. And just try to be her friend. Communicate. We started by writing emails.

[00:42:28] And that was it. And then six months later, we talked on the phone for the first time. And I sat down with Blair. And we went through a list of things to say and not say.

[00:42:48] Because I didn't know what to do. I had no idea. And so finally I got to meet her. Her mother didn't want anything to do with me. Her mother threatened a lot of things. She wanted me out of their lives because it was embarrassing to her mother. Because everybody in their circle thought this other guy was her dad. And I got a little puffed up about that. And I was put back in my place by some people in Alcoholics Anonymous. Good direction. Good direction. She went to... She was graduating from college. And she wanted me to come. And her mom said no. So I drove... 14 hours. Snuck in.

[00:43:41] And heard her name.

[00:43:44] And I got in my car and I drove straight back home.

[00:43:47] But she knew I was there. She was going to get married. She got met a guy.

[00:43:55]
And she wanted me to come to the wedding. And her mother said no way.

[00:44:00] Her mother threatened me with a lot of child support. To keep me away.

[00:44:06] And I sought out directions.

[00:44:09] And somebody said to me.

[00:44:12] You know weddings are about mothers and daughters. They're not about daughters and deadbeat dads. And that's what you are. But we're going to try to change that.

[00:44:25] And so I didn't go to the wedding. And that was fun. They went on a honeymoon.

[00:44:31] They got back. They went to visit some college friends. She was going to go to law school in the fall. He was going to work for their family business. And they're driving home late at night on the interstate. It was 1 o'clock in the morning I think. And a drunk driver went through the ditch and hit them head on. They were both killed instantly.

[00:44:54] And I was five years sober.

[00:44:58] Blair had passed away. But I had a new sponsor, Steve. And I called Steve when I was called and told.

[00:45:05] I didn't go to the bar. And people pat me on the back. And say, oh, I feel sorry for you. I went to Steve. Steve said, come to the meeting tonight. Don't talk about it. We'll talk afterwards. And we brought more and more people into the circle over the next week or ten days. I did not go to the funeral.

[00:45:28] But it became a very big part of my daughter's mother. Because she went crazy.

[00:45:36] She got over it. She got help. But she relied on me a lot. She said, she called me and said, I want you to come here and us make another baby girl just like her. And I said, well, I'm not doing that. We can't do that. But so I was five years sober. I didn't know what to do. I didn't really know what to do at all. I got eight years sober and moved to Texas.

[00:46:05] And I was angry. And I didn't know I was angry.

[00:46:11] And the guy that hit him pled guilty. He was a young guy, 26 years old. And they sentenced him to 10 years in prison. He got parole at five years.

[00:46:26] And I get a phone call one day. And it says, Dad. It said, you know, the court has given us permission to come meet you if you'll meet us. He wants to talk to you. Now, your ex has said no. And your in-laws have said no. But would you be willing to talk to my son if we come to Texas? And I said, yes.

[00:46:50] I didn't even think about it.

[00:46:53] Nobody ever said no to me when I wanted to try to make things right. I didn't know what was going on. So we planned it, and they came to town, met in a public place, met in a big hotel in Dallas. We could get off in the corner and talk privately.

[00:47:11] And my sponsor's a lawyer, and he was in court that day, so I couldn't talk to him. But I talked to his sponsor, a guy named, he passed away, his name is Larry Johnson. And I'm talking on the phone with him, driving to meet him. And he said, partner, let's pray. And he prayed. I don't know what it was, but it was, I don't know what he said, but I felt okay.

[00:47:33] And I go in there, and I sit down with this guy for an hour. And he talks about how he harmed my daughter's mother's life, and my in-law's life. And his fiancée who left him, and how he interfered with my life. He never once said, here's what it's cost me. He never said that. He talked about, he didn't know I was an Alcoholics Anonymous. He said, I don't think I'm an alcoholic. I went to some therapy and some meetings, and I've read that big book that they have. And I thought, well, I know you're not an alcoholic if you read that when they told you to read it, you know.

[00:48:18] And we're sitting there, and it's been about an hour, and we're done. And he said, I just want to ask you a question. I said, what's that? He said, will you forgive me?

[00:48:31] I said, yeah.

[00:48:33] I forgive you. I shook his hand, and I walked out, and I've never talked to him again. And I don't need to. And that forgiveness didn't come from me, it came from God.

[00:48:44] And I didn't know, and I called Larry, and I said, oh my God, my face is tingling, I'm breathing fast, and all that. What is it? He said, partner, that's freedom. That is, forgiveness is not about forgiving them. It's about you letting it go. And I thought, I never knew that. I never got that. So real quick, what's it like today? What's it like? I'll close with this.

[00:49:11] What do you do? What's my story? You know, they tell us, in the book, it says every group has its own, you know, they're all different. They're whatever. And I think we are, too.

[00:49:23] I've dealt with a lot of people who have lost children in and out of AA.

[00:49:29] So today, I see on the news, I read online, on paper, somebody's child gets ran over, drowns, whatever the case may be. I put a suit on, I go stand in line at the wake, and I say, hey, my name is Dave C. We've never met, and I'm not going to say that I know how you feel, but I had something very similar happen in my life. And I just want to let you know that you are not alone.

[00:49:54] Here's my card. It's got my phone number on it.

[00:49:58] If you want to talk, I'll talk. If you want to go to some grief support groups, I will take you and do that. And over time, I had about six to eight guys that every Thursday night for a year, we met. And they were all guys I met at their children's funerals. See, that's my deal, okay? It's my deal.

[00:50:25] And I think everybody's got a deal. Maybe you're really good at being married. Maybe you're really good at being an employee or managing your finances or being caring about others and giving and kind and know-how when people need help. I think we all got a thing, okay? That's what I call it. I don't know what else to call it. And I think these 12 steps, practiced, carry the message to the other alcoholic and practice these principles in all our affairs. The principles that I learned allow me to stand in those lines and talk to those parents and say, you're not alone.

[00:51:10] And I've had some miraculous things happen because of that. I am blessed. I'm sad that my children are gone.

[00:51:21] But I am blessed because God, when I ask, gave me a clear-cut direction on how to live my life and help others. Thanks for listening. Thank you.