Thank you for having me, and the great food, and the lucky bingo lady. So many fun facts. It was just my deepest. And I have 30 minutes, so I'm just going to get into it and tell you what it was like, what happened, and what it's like today for me.

Do you think I can hear you? Yeah, sure. Anyway, I thought you were handing me my phone. Anyway, OK, just to get the stats out of the way, I surrendered to this program March 1, 2005.

I have 20 years today. Wow. Please keep it on the download, because I've been trying to call my sponsor all morning, and I don't want her to hear about it. She was the person that I wanted to thank her first.

It wasn't for her, and her loud voice, and her speaking my language. She speaks Darlene very well. I would not be standing here. I'd probably be in jail, or psych ward, or, I don't know, dead, maybe.

So my home group is Western Life Step Up. My sponsor is Des Moines Shaw, and I am here with you guys just so grateful for this program and what it's given me. And I'll tell you just a little bit of background. I come from an alcoholic home.

I have a long line of alcoholism on my dad's side, and mental illness on my mom's side. And they were both immigrants, and I think that makes me more special than you, because here's why. And one of my really dear, dear friends are first generation, and I've convinced them also that we're all special. And here's why.

It's because we grew up in the old culture, and coming here to America. It's like my American friends, I was born here, by the way, my American friends did not understand why my parents did things a certain way. And I used to think, my dad was the alcoholic, and I knew from a very early young age that we were different. And as it turns out, the older I got, and the more I realized what was happening in my family, my dad was no different than anybody else's dad.

But my dad blacked out. Like, my uncles and cousins and everybody, they would pass out when they got home. My dad would pass out at the party. And my dad was a good guy.

He was quiet. He was very quiet. He just tried to stay out of the way. It was my mom who was the crazy person.

She had a lot of rage in her, you know, and she took that rage out on me, mostly. And how we grew up, you know, my dad, it got to a point where my dad could not stop drinking, okay? He was drinking around the clock. At that time, we were living, I'm from San Pedro, and we were living in an apartment building, and my dad had two brothers, my grandmother, and one brother was in one apartment, we were in another apartment, and another brother and his family were in a different apartment.

And my grandmother, she made wine down in the cellar. And my dad would go down there and suck on that hose and try to get that wine down, and then he'd come back upstairs and he'd smoke a cigarette and he'd throw the cigarette somewhere, and I was this little kid, I was super sensitive, and it was my job to make sure that my dad did not burn the apartment building down. It was my job to make sure that my dad made it to that. And, you know, from a very, very young age, my mom made it my responsibility.

She says, you know, if you tell your dad not to drink, he won't. And I took that to the gates of insanity. I took that not just with my dad, but with everybody in my life. You know, fast forward, as I got older, you know, I knew I was always a little bit off.

You know, I'm off like now. I feel like, you know, I'm not everybody's flavor. I'm really not. And if you like me, you like me.

And Al-Anon has given me the gift of just, I just like who I am. I do, finally. Because when I came here, I had such low self-worth. I hated myself.

And, you know, it was, you know, I just felt different. You know, my mom, she had no business having children. She, okay. Okay, now, I don't have a regular story.

It's just whatever comes up. As I'm talking, it's just, you know, whatever God wants me to talk about. I really don't have a doubt. So just to let you guys know that.

So I don't know where I'm going right now. Just stay with me. Okay. Anyway, so I don't remember my mom not reading me up or saying something to me.

Because what happened was she was trying to manage and control my dad's drinking. And she couldn't. And she was super hyper aware of what all the neighbors were thinking. And what everybody else was thinking.

And she didn't know what to do with that anger. She didn't know what to do with all that anxiety. And so she would take it out on me. And, you know, I remember a few times, like, when she would come at me, I could tell, you know, her eyes were blank.

Like, the rage was, like, I knew, well, I'll tell you this. My brother, years later, because I never, you know, my brother, you know, it kind of rolls downhill. You know, my mom hit me, and then I hit my brother. But he never told on me.

And I asked him, you know, years and years ago, I said, how come you never told on me? And he said, because I was afraid she was going to kill you, for real. So that's how I came to El Anon. You know, there was a lot of things that, you know, I had to unravel.

And so fast forward, you know, I'm an adult, and I really don't know how to be in relationships. And I could not ever make the connection that it's possible that what I learned growing up was spilling over into my adult life. I had no idea. I couldn't see it.

And really and truly, the last place I wanted to go was El Anon. And I'll tell you how much I resisted. I was introduced to El Anon in 1991. I did not surrender.

But when I did, I did, until 05. Okay? So don't do that. It's purgatory, really and truly.

Like, when I look back on it now, it's just like, it was like living in purgatory. It's like the answer was sitting right next to me. And I kept going to the back row for the answers. You know, the big book talks about singleness of purpose.

And so I tried, and I'm all for everything that I'm about to list here. But, like, I threw therapy at my El Anon stuff. I threw a communications class at my El Anon stuff. I threw, like, going to psychics at my El Anon stuff.

I did Reiki, whatever, over my El Anon stuff. I did so, I threw so many things at my El Anon, anything but come to El Anon. So, you know, I got married. And when I got, I got married to a sober alcoholic.

And when I got married, you know, we were friends for a while, for like eight years. And we got married. I mean, how perfect. You know, we know each other.

There's no getting to know each other. You know, when we got married in the Catholic Church, we did that psychology thing. We passed with flying colors. I mean, we were the couple to be.

Not, as soon as we came home from a honeymoon, the only thing I could think of is, what the hell did I just do here? Okay? And, and it was, I was miserable. Nobody told me, you know, everybody talked about, oh, the honeymoon lasts a year.

It was like five minutes. But what, but what ended up, what happened was, is I didn't have any tools to be married, is what it was. Okay? And all of a sudden I married, and all that, all the reasons why I love my husband so much, and why I married him, was gone.

I couldn't see the good. And so we got married in 95, and, you know, I'm going, you know, I'm going to meetings. I'm going to meetings. But I'm not doing anything.

Because I think I know better. Because I have the answers. And I'm going to figure this out. Because my mom told me that if I told my dad, dad, to stop drinking, I would.

He would. And, you know, I know I just need to figure this out, and then it will all be okay. You know? And it got worse and worse and worse.

Finally, finally it got so bad I wanted to blow up my life. And that was like in 04. If you looked at my life from the outside, everything looked good. I had a husband who loved me.

We lived in a nice home. I had friends. We had a big group of friends that we were hanging out with. But I was miserable.

I could not be happy. I didn't know that it was the stuff that I never dealt with growing up in alcoholism. You know? I can tell you the two times that my mom was nice to me growing up.

I brought all that into my relationship. And so in 2004, you know, I decided that I was going to divorce my husband. And I needed to tell my mom. And I noticed how I'm not talking about my dad.

Because my dad was just a quiet alcoholic. He had his chair. He'd take the newspaper and put it in front of his face, and you never saw him. It was like he disappeared.

My little brother growing up in this madness, this chaos, this like what we grew up with, I don't remember him being there. And I just remember me being there with my crazy mother. And my dad was really good at disappearing. So because all the focus was on my mom's rage.

So anyway, so I get married, and I decide that this marriage isn't going to work. And he's the same person that I married. You know, it's like what it felt like is to me at the time, what it felt like is he felt like I wasn't on his team. And I felt like he was attacking me.

None of that was true. That was true growing up in alcoholism. But that wasn't happening in my family, with my husband. And I could not see it.

I could not see it. So I decided to blow up my life, and I thought, I'm just going to divorce him. I'll tell my mom, because she's going to be the one that's going to be the most dramatic about it. And I'm just going to go and do something else.

I'm just, I'm leaving. And my sponsor at the time said to me that, well, Benoit at the time, she talked to me. Because I was kind of like, you know, I was talking to people online. I wasn't going, but I was just talking to people about it.

They all suggested, you guys suggested that I go to, you had 20? 21 minutes? Suggested that maybe what I should do is start going to Al-Anon and go for real. And not do what I'm doing.

Okay. So I thought about it. And I was like, I don't know. That's a little rash.

I don't know if I can do that. I'd much rather blow up my life. So anyway, a friend of mine, we were at the Monday night Westchester meeting. And a friend of mine, Norma, she doesn't remember this.

But I don't know, in that moment, you know, when God just opens up the door just a little bit. And the light shining through just a little bit. Norma walked up to me because she saw what I was doing in Al-Anon. And she said, you know, this is life or death, darling.

I don't know what you're doing playing around with this. She said, you need to go over and ask Benoit to be your sponsor. And I never even liked Benoit. I mean, I was one of those people where she would go up to the podium and start talking.

And I wouldn't find it necessary to get up and go to the bathroom while she was talking. Like, I couldn't stand her accent. It's like, Jesus. And Norma said to me, you need to go over and ask Benoit to sponsor me.

And I don't know what made me do it, but I did it. I walked over to her, and she looked at me. She looked me up and down. She's like, huh.

She saw me for years going in and out, in and out, in and out. Oh, my God. I remember there was this girl, June, in our group, and she tried to sponsor me for half a minute. I cornered her in the parking lot and, like, literally started, like, interrogating her.

Like, what about your life? What about your marriage? Like, I'm doing this to poor June, and she's backing out, away from me. And I, you know, it's like that anger that I had didn't go away.

You know, I just brought it along with me. You know, the anger that my mom had, I ended up inheriting, and I brought it into all my relationships. Anyway, I finally asked Benoit. She said, okay, what do you want from me?

And I said, really and truly, and this just blurbed out of my mouth. I still, like, it's just interesting to me how God works in my life. You know, I said to her, I don't want to, I want to forgive my mom while she's alive. I don't want to have to write that letter on her grave.

And Benoit said, okay, let's do it. So, wouldn't you know, my God, I cried. I can't tell you guys. Fetal position for a year, my first year.

Number one that I had to be an Al-Anon. Okay, that alone, like, just, I'm going to kill myself. What in the hell? And then the other part is when I surrendered, there was something inside of me that was sort of relieved.

Like, okay, I don't have to do this anymore by myself. I can do it with all of you guys. And I just need to follow direction. And I don't know if you guys know Benoit, anybody here, but she's kind of scary.

And my mom was scary. So, I really couldn't, I didn't really listen to you if you were a Jew. I needed somebody that was going to stand up to my anger, my fear, my Al-Anon-isms. I needed somebody that was going to get in the ring and tell me to shut up.

You know, and I needed to be a little bit afraid. Not everybody's like that. You know, some people, you know, I have friends that, you know, grew up a lot like how I did. And they can't handle that.

They can't handle that sort of direction. But I can't, I can't, I'll look for loopholes. If I see something like, you know, if I see that you're kind of weak, I'll go in and start doing it my way. You know, and so, so we started my journey.

And we started our journey. And the first thing that she told me, I, oh my God, I remember. I swore, I swore that I would never forgive my mother for what she did. You know, and if I told you the list of things that she did, you guys would hate her too.

But the problem with that is, is I can't live with that. I can't live with it. And I don't even know how much it's affecting me. And so the first direction she gave me was you are not to scream at your mother.

Do you hear me? And it was like, yes. And this is how desperate I was at that time to get better. Because I really was afraid that something was going to happen.

I was going to, things aren't going to go well if I keep, if I, you know, they talk about resentments. I cannot afford to have those kind of resentments. I've seen Al-Anon women who have come to Al-Anon and left. And I am, they are bat ass crazy.

They're crazier than they were when they first came. Just because you leave doesn't mean, oh, you're fine. No, it's just like alcoholism. It's like all your isms come back and you're a crazy person.

And, you know, for me it was like my friend Sarah used to say, there's the great examples and the loud warnings. And I started paying attention to the loud warnings. I didn't want to be like a, you know, I didn't want to go in that direction anyway. So, you know, she told me to do that.

So one of the promises that I made to her and myself is every time I'd slip, I would call her. Okay. Like, for example, the first year in Al-Anon she told me not to talk to my brother. Because I could not, I was in so much fear over my brother's alcoholism and over his family's alcoholism that my way of telling him how concerned I was, was telling him that his oldest daughter was going to end up on a pole and the youngest daughter was going to end up giving, you know, I'm not going to say it from the podium.

You know, I would say such inappropriate things, you know, thinking that that was the right thing to do. You know, everything that came from in me, you know, if I loved you, it was just like I'm beating you over the head with my love. Okay. And saying it took a long time for my brother and I, for all of that to unravel and for him to trust me.

And I can tell you today we have the best relationship. It's the relationship I've always wanted. I just love and adore that guy. Anyway, so Penoy said to me, I don't care if your mother hits you over the head with a frying pan.

You are not, you are not to yell at your mother. Do you hear me? And I went, okay. And that I heard.

Frying pan. Yes. Okay. I'm going to, I'm going to be, all right.

And that began the journey. When I had, when I stopped screaming at her, that began the journey of my healing towards my mother. Okay. So now, fast, really fast forward.

I did not know this was going to be about my mom. But here we go. Fast forward. So it took so much work, okay, not to be mad at her.

And I had to forgive her. And I did not realize how much that was tying me down. How much it was keeping me away from relationships. In the meantime, by the way, my relationship with my husband got so good.

I mean, he was freaked out when he heard that I joined Al-Anon. He goes, oh, my God. He goes, they're going to, you know, what are they going to say? You know, he was all worried about what people were going to say because I was in Al-Anon.

And I was going to one meeting a week, and then I started going to two. And he goes, oh, Jesus, dar, they're going to think I'm beating you. What's going to stop? But, you know, but he said to me, like, I was on my way.

I was three. I was turning three in Al-Anon, and I decided I was going to quit, that it didn't work. And he was listening to me. I was on my way to the meeting, and he's listening and listening.

And I said, I'm taking my cake out, and I don't even know what I'm going to say. He goes, I'm going to tell you what to say to those people. And I said, I was really quiet. He goes, you tell those people that since you've been coming to Al-Anon, you've become a much nicer person, especially towards me.

I had the boy crying on the floor. I had the whole first row. I mean, I was, like, so floored by that Al-Anon had changed me. I didn't even see it, that, you know, he was just like, you're not going anywhere.

This is where you're going to stay. So, anyway, my mom and I, she got sick. She started to get dementia. I get a call, like, at 430 in the morning that she is, she's doing something, and the paramedics were on their way, and the fire trucks were on their way.

And, oh, actually, by that time, I kind of knew who they were. San Pedro's not that big of a town, so paramedics knew to call everybody. They said, you know, if your mom doesn't open the door, we're going to have to bash it in. So I got in the car, and I jammed down there, and I called Illinois, and she didn't pick up.

It was, like, 5 a. m. or 430 a. m.

, whatever. I called my friend Karen, who's in Arizona. She's my island sister, and Karen didn't pick up. And, you know, Sand Beach talks about having, you know, asking God to go in before me.

And so I did that. I prayed, I prayed, I prayed, and I walked in, and I saw her, and she was, like, so scared. She was not where she was at. She was somewhere when she was a little girl.

And my sponsor talks about, you know, some of us come here on this earth, we don't get a blessing. We're put on this earth to give the blessing. And in that moment, something came over me, and I just grabbed her, and I gave her what she never gave me. And she was, like, something was going to get her.

And I said, I'm going to beat him up. Nobody's going to come get you. They have to get through me. And she's looking at me, and she looked like a little kid.

And it was the first time I saw, like, the sparkle in her eyes. It was the very first time. And I was, like, I said, I'm going to beat them up. And she started laughing and giggling, and she was all happy.

And, you know, we were there for, like, an hour, and she kind of calmed down, and she kind of came back to. And I realized in that moment that I was put on this earth to give her the blessing. And I will tell you, that feeling, what that did is it changed my life. It changed my life.

There was no reason for me, all that anger, everything, like, I realized, I got it. You know, she, my mom, was in the ring with alcoholism, with my dad and my brother. And she had to, actually, she won, too. But that's a whole, you know, I don't have enough time to tell you that story because she got my dad sober.

But, you know, I just, I realized that she had a story, a story that she never told me. Is that it? Yeah? Is that it?

He's done. How much time do I have? We have time. Okay.

So I will tell you that after that moment, I had so much fun with my mother. Okay? She is a very funny lady. And everybody really, like, everybody liked my mother except for me.

Okay? And she's got a really good sense of humor. And she's one of the few people still on this earth that could make me laugh so hard. And all that anger and all that blame and all that looking in the past is just part of my story now.

I am not connected to it. I love and adore my mother. She gave me, now I'm able to tell you, like, she was fun to be around. I see the reason why everybody liked to hang out with her.

My mother was like the mayor of San Pedro. Every time I took her somewhere, everybody knew her. Hey, Monica. You know, like, mom didn't not know, everybody knows you.

Yes, I know. I'm popular. She was, um, and, you know, I got to spend the last, I don't know, six years, five years of her life, I got to spend with her not being mad. And what a freaking party that was.

It was so great. And when she left, you know, it was like, I'll see you soon. And, um, we were good. You know, and I have nothing but love in my heart.

Somebody in this room needed to hear this story. I mean, I don't know, like, really and truly this was not for what I was planning on talking about, but somebody here needs to hear it. It's like, she had a story, okay, and it was worse than mine. It was worse than mine.

And those were the two, she did the best she could. I hated when people said that from the beginning. It's like, no, she could have done better. You know?

Um, but, um, she kept me from getting, being in jail. She kept me from, because she scared me. She actually scared me right up until the day she took her last breath, which was a good thing, because, um, I hate to think about what would have happened to me if I didn't know, like, you know, that she was watching me. And, um, so anyway.

Um, I love this, I love that one. I am so happy that I'm here talking with you guys. Um, happy birthday to me. And, um, Keith is going to talk, and he'll be a lot better than me, so thank you.

Thank you. Thank you again, everyone. This was beautiful. All right, it's my honor to introduce our next speaker.

That would be Kevin, I mean, Keith. Sorry. My brain was still on, um, on our last talk. Uh, so that would be Keith.

Keith, he's here from Los Angeles. My name is Keith, I'm an alcoholic. My brother's name is Kevin, so that just sent me back five years of therapy. I'm really, really grateful to be here tonight, and let's give Darlene another round of applause.

Oh my god, the image of her talking to her brother, like, saying, yeah, you know, one daughter's going to be on the pole, the other one's going to be turning tricks, it's like, I'm guessing they were like ten and eight years old or something. Like, it's so amazing. And, uh, really grateful to be here today, and really grateful to be sober for anybody who's new or relatively new. Welcome, and just really nice to come to such a fun event.

I want to thank my daughter, Kira, for coming with me today. She's a grateful member of Al-Aman. I guess, she's a member of Al-Aman, I assume she's grateful. But, uh, she is, uh, she's amazing.

And I'm not going to lie, coming to an event or a potluck, or any event where the Al-Amans put it on, is always really exciting for me, because they do such an incredible job. Like, the potluck, like, AA potlucks are not the same as Al-Aman potlucks. But, literally, people coming in, you know, dessert time with appetizers, and just, you know, like, it's just... So, this was really a cool event, and, uh, yeah, I'm just really grateful to be here.

And I'm sure, like, five years from now, someone's going to be standing at a podium in Gambler's Anonymous saying they got their start right here at this bingo day, you know, just like, uh... I love gambling, I'm not going to lie. I love, love, love. And great job to our emcee, uh, yeah, should we clap?

Although, I will say, after I kept losing, I started getting less receptive to all of her, uh, antidotes. Anyways, uh, much like Darlene, I grew up in an alcoholic home. I'm proud to say every member of my immediate family has been sober in Alcoholics Anonymous at one point or another. So, I just so identified with the craziness of alcoholism.

And if you grew up in that situation, you know what I'm talking about. Uh, you know, my parents were both also, uh, you know, first generation. My mom was from Switzerland, and my dad was from Ireland. My dad was this, like, he had like a flash temper, he was like crazy.

Like, everybody in the neighborhood, I was scared to death of my dad. Everybody in the neighborhood was scared of my dad. He was just kind of a crazy person in his own way. Uh, and, uh, and my mom was this Dr.

Jekyll and Mrs. Hyde alcoholic. Where, by day, she was this sweet, sweet woman. I mean, she's been here, she moved here from Switzerland in like the 50s.

But she still had this really thick accent. And much like Darlene's mom, everybody knows her in the neighborhood. And she's just the sweetest woman. She used to go rescue stray cats and dogs, and bring meals to the homeless.

But then at night, she starts drinking, and she just literally just transforms. Like, it was almost like she got, like, bigger. Like, I don't know, her hair would stand up. She was like a mean drunk.

Like, she gets a few drinks in her, and she's like... I, some of my earliest memories growing up were, like, laying in bed. And my mom picking, like, a fight with my dad. Which is insane.

Like, the one person you wouldn't want to pick a fight with is him. And then I just remember thinking, like, shut up, mom. And then she'd be like, help, he's coming after me. You know, and then it was, it was just insane, you know.

But my parents did the best that they could. Um, but, uh, actually my brother, I went to go hear him speak a couple months ago. He was speaking down in Laguna. He lives in Cambria.

And he called me up and goes, hey, it was Sunday night. He goes, hey, you do anything? And I happen to not be. And I was like, he said, you want to come with me?

I'm like, sure. So we went down, he told the story. And I just, it just epitomizes the Prendergast household. Like, it's, things always seem to go down on Sunday night.

I don't know about anyone else, but, like, that tension from the weekend in the alcoholic home. Sunday night, things are going down. And, uh, this one particular night, my brother, I'm the youngest of three. My middle brother, Kevin, definitely has whatever stereotypical middle child syndrome.

He definitely has it. And he was always, like, saw injustice and had to say something. Like, I was smart enough to just shut up. Like, I just know, like, and so this one night we're at dinner, at the dinner table.

And he's, like, speaking to some injustice, some infraction my dad had committed, I guess. And my dad just put down his fork and just knocked my brother on his chair. Which is, like, not, that's, like, typical. It's nothing.

But the funny thing, I mean, not that that's funny. But my parents, a couple years before that, had decided to redo the carpet on the floor. And so they pulled up the carpet. I'm sure my dad got a quote, and the guy quoted him, like, he's like, well, I'll take it out.

And so he ripped out the carpet with us or whatever. And then saw that there was hardwood floor under the carpet and just decided, like, we don't need carpet. We'll just leave it like this. But anyone who's, like, taking carpet out there will know there's something called tack strip on the floor.

Which is basically nails sticking straight up. And that tack strip just laid down there for years in our house. So he knocks my brother out of the chair, but he's not done with it. So he gets him out and he drags him away from the dinner table right across the tack strip.

Rips up his leg and is still going after him. Which is, like, again, not funny, but that's not what I'm saying is the funny part. Here's the funny part, in my opinion. Nobody at the dinner table even moved.

Everyone just kept eating their food. Just, like, Kevin taking another beating, you know. It was just, like, typical. So it was just, it was crazy in my household.

But I will say this. It was also, it was not all crazy bad. My parents, in their way, were both extremely loving. My dad, loving in his actions as far as, like, he got up early, was in a union, and drove a truck.

He got done at 2 or 3 o'clock, he came home, he coached us in sports. He made dinner. He did all the, you know, kind of cooking and cleaning around the house. My mom worked downtown.

She was incredibly loving. With me, especially. I was her favorite. And so I always, like, growing up, it was definitely a combination of that kind of craziness.

That alcoholism. And, but a lot of good things. But for me, left to my own devices, as far back as I can remember, I always felt uncomfortable in my own skin. I always felt at dis-ease and discomfort.

Like, I just had that loud head. As far back as I can remember, just my head just, I know now, it's the bondage of self. I just didn't know that. I didn't have anything to identify it.

I just was always just measuring myself against, you know, what did people think about me? And for me, how that manifests itself in my actions is, like, I feel bad, and I, like, take action. Like, I have to take action. For me, I was a nuisance in classrooms.

Every classroom I had growing up in, like, grade school, I had a segregated part of the classroom. Where everybody would be sitting here. The teacher would put me in the back. They'd build, like, a partition around me just because I can't, I cannot not disrupt everything.

And I was always getting into fights. As a matter of fact, not that I would hold on to anything, but the first day of fourth grade. Don't worry, I'll get out of, like, elementary school by the time I'm done. But the first day of fourth grade, my teacher, her name was Mrs.

Puffer. She actually was a bitch, if I'm being honest. But the first day of fourth grade, she pointed to a supply room closet. She's like, Prendergast?

She's like, your chair is in there this year. And I had to sit in a supply room closet the entire fourth grade. And I actually had a pretty good year that year. A little more structure kind of helped me out.

But anyway, so I felt, and my big outlet in my life was sports. Like, as far back as I can remember, competitive sports, competition, has just absolutely been, like, a driving force in my life. I just loved it. As a matter of fact, I've heard a speaker kind of tell my story when I was relatively new.

But he talked about, like, his, like, hope that he had. He always had, like, a lot of hope in his own way. He also was miserable and had difficulty. But for me, my outlet was competitive sports.

I just loved, I would gather up the younger kids to play with my friends and the older kids. Come on, let's go, we can do it. I would just have so much fun in that. And I really fell in love with golf when I was, like, 11 years old.

My dad had tried to play professional golf. He was a really, really good golfer. And I kind of just found my calling or whatever you want to call it. I just knew this is what I wanted to do.

And I was, like, so focused on I want to go to UCLA. I want to get a scholarship to play golf at UCLA. And that was, like, my, I just so wanted it so bad. And I started working really, really, really hard.

And, actually, it's kind of funny. I had sworn off drinking and using drugs forever. I had actually a teacher who had really tried to kind of mentor me and help me out. Because I would talk about I want to play at UCLA and this and that.

And she pulled me aside and said, Keith, you know, there's a lot of really good athletes. They start high school. They start drinking and partying. And they don't even end up playing sports in college.

And they get, you know, like, it doesn't even last through high school. And I remember just going, wow. She goes, so don't start drinking and don't start doing drugs. And I was, like, I'm never drinking.

I'm never doing. And I happened to run into her in sobriety. I was teaching school in the same district that I actually grew up in, in Torrance Unified. And I had mentioned her name to somebody who was a friend of hers.

She didn't say anything to me. And they surprised me. She came to visit me at my school. It was so really sweet.

I'm going to the office, and there's this headstrong woman. I was, like, oh, my God. I gave her a big hug. And she had, like, a yearbook or annual from when I was in middle school.

And there was, like, a page that she had marked off. And it was a long handwritten note from me. And it was, like, dear Mrs. Headstrom, thanks for everything you've done for me.

I know because of you I'm never going to drink. I'm never going to do drugs. She's, like, so what's going on in your life? And I was, like, well, I'm in AA now.

So it didn't work out exactly the way I had planned. But I drank for the first time when I was 14 years old. And it just changed my life. It was like a revolution in my life.

It was nothing changed, and everything changed. Because I just couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe that you could feel that good that fast. It just absolutely, I'm going to steal a line from somebody, it fixed something in me that just needed to be fixed.

And I didn't know it before then, but once I had it, and it happened to me after my first drug. And what it is, is it just gave me that feeling like I just didn't care. Like, all of that self-imprisonment, all of that was just gone. And when something does that for me, it was like, there was no, like, because I thought, when I was a couple years sober, I was so serious about golf.

I was so serious about trying to play in UCLA. And I wasn't going to drink, I wasn't going to do drugs. And then immediately after that, I just started drinking at every opportunity. I started getting loaded at every opportunity.

And it never once crossed my mind like, wait, I said I wasn't going to do this. Now I'm doing this all the time. And the reason it didn't cross my mind is because alcohol made me feel better than anything had in my life up to that point. There's not even a close second.

I don't know about you, I love things that make me feel good right now. Like, that's why I love stealing. Mine. I love that feeling.

Like, if I would have won at bingo, yes. But no, not today. But I love things that make me feel good right now. And drinking absolutely did that.

And within six months, I was drinking more days of the week that I wasn't. And within about a year, I don't know the exact time, but a year, year and a half, I was putting something in my system every single day. And I felt exactly like Bill Wilson talks about in Bill's story. Like, money, he says money and applause came his way.

For me, it wasn't money and applause, but I did. I started high school. I did the best I'd ever done in school in high school for some reason. I can't explain it other than I just had that magic that alcohol was producing in my life.

And I killed it in sports because I had worked super hard at golf, so I did really well. And it was like, man, like, life is finally doable. My entire life before that, I struggled. I struggled with friendships.

I was always in fights. I was always in trouble. I just had difficulty in life. And I felt like everybody was out to get theirs, and everybody's just out to screw each other over.

And I had no loyalty to anybody. I had no feeling for anybody except my mom. But when I started drinking, that first year, couple years of my drinking, it was incredible. It was incredible.

In some ways, that was like one of the best years of my life, I'll be honest. It was so life-changing. It was like, this is amazing. This is amazing.

And my brother got sober, which I had, you know, some people are like, oh, my God, you can't be an alcoholic. I didn't feel that way at all. I was like, good, go get some help. He needed some help.

He had problems. He had, like, serious, serious problems. He was, like, doing hard drugs and dealing them and stuff like that. And he, like, went off the deep end.

He was dealing LSD. I didn't know anyone. You know, we lived in a nice area in the Hollywood River area. I was like, someone was like, dude, your brother is selling acid.

I was like, what? And then he started having bad trips to LSD. And I'm not here to tell his story, but it is pertinent because it definitely affected mine. But he started having these bad trips to LSD.

He'd be like, everybody get up. It was like 3 in the morning, and everybody goes out to the living room. We're like, what? He's just like, I have to die tonight for all of you to live.

I was like, wait, what? So you're like, Jesus? And my parents were, like, first generation European. They were like, what the?

You're like, what is going on? And I was like, did he just say what I think he did? And if anyone's seen anyone on a bad trip to LSD, it is no joke. It is not a joke.

I'm not making light of it because some people have them, and they never come back. But he was, like, losing his mind. And they rushed him to the hospital. And he's like, and then he comes back.

And the next day, or a couple days later, he's like, well, I'm never doing that again. But I'm going to keep dealing it. It's like, well, you know how that goes. Everybody get up.

He always made this transformation to the Messiah. And, like, in the middle of the night, it was never, like, new. And I was pissed. Because my parents had kind of been cool about us drinking.

Like, I don't know, Europeans, at least back then, they just had a little different attitude. Like, we could have a beer sometimes with dinner. It was just kind of different. And now, all of a sudden, they're like, wait, something else is going on here.

This is, like, wild. And I was getting mad, you know. As a matter of fact, my dad, there was one time. He was not the play it cool dad.

I mean, that's the biggest understatement in the world. But this one time, my mom happened to be visiting family in Switzerland. And we were talking, like, having a beer or something with my dad. And he goes, well, you know, I would try a pot if you guys had some.

And it was just, like, all three of us were like, well, dad, I still remember this look on his face. Like, whoa, like, you're in luck. You're in luck. We all happen to be holy, dad.

But it was just like, whoa. But anyway, so now, my parents were like, what is going on? And then the third time, he had one of these, like, episodes. He jumped in his car.

And I remember my mom saying, he grabbed his car keys. And I was like, so what? I literally was like, I didn't care. Like, it's affecting me.

I could care less what happens to him. And he drove his car into this house going, like, 100 miles an hour. We lived up on this hill in Juan Rivera. And he went right, and he hit the corner of this house and knocked the entire house off its foundation.

Like, had he been, like, this much further over, he would have gone right through this wall where this baby was sleeping. So we were incredibly lucky. But he ended up getting sober is the point. And that was, like, it was incredible.

He went through Del Amo Hospital. And we would have these daily therapy sessions, which I still, to this day, just, I mean, I say it because it just was so beautiful. I mean, it was just amazing. Like, I would give anything.

They didn't record those sessions, but I would give anything for those, like, recording those sessions. Like, four of us practicing alcoholics, and my brother was out of his mind. And they're like, the first week, they're like, on my dad about his drinking. And they're like, why don't you tell your dad how his drinking has affected you?

And some of my dad's like, yeah. And I'm like, fire away. And I was like, I don't think that's a good idea, Dr. Lurie.

He'll kill us all. Like, I'm just like, but the thing I remember about that is my mom just loving it. Just, like, sticking it to him. Like, it's his fault.

Yeah, you know. And my dad just had that grinding look on his face. And then the next week, they were on my mom about her drinking. And then she, like, stormed out of there.

She's a real nosy son of a bitch. You know what I'm saying? And then the next week, they were on my brother, my older brother Chris, about his drinking, which I think is so funny. I think about it a lot.

Like, he just spoke at a meeting that I went to in which I, it's so interesting to me about alcoholics. And Al-anon, like, alcoholism and Al-anonism are stone cold killers. Like, make no mistake about it. And that we have such different stories in our own way.

We may have nothing in common. But my brothers, like, and I are so different. But we all have alcoholism. Our common bond, if you be alcoholic, is my relationship to alcohol and having alcoholism.

And so that next week, my brother's kind of actually sitting next to a gentleman who's like a surfer. Totally reminds me of my brother, kind of a tough guy, you know, like. And so my brother's kind of a stubborn guy. And the doctor was like, well, do you think you can stay sober 60 days?

He's like, yeah. He's like, all right, we'll do it. He's like, fine. And he tried, and he realized he couldn't.

And it started messing with him. And I think that is so funny. I don't know why, but I'm just not cut from that type of cloth. I just, I couldn't be more different.

Because the next week I show up, and like, I'm not an idiot. Like, I'm pretty sure I know what the topic's going to be this session. So I'm like, Dr. Lerp, before you get started, I just want you to know since Kevin's been in here these last, whatever it was, days, I've decided to support him.

So I haven't been drinking or using his time. And he just is eating it up. He's like, that's wonderful, Keith. I'm so glad to hear that.

And my brother Chris is like, because we were in the parking lot in his VW van, drinking Foster's Tall fans, right before that and smoking a joint. You know, I just felt like, I don't know, I just felt like I could really get more out of therapy. You know, just open up a little bit, you know. And I will say this.

I don't, I'm not a personal believer of, like, God looking down and like, here, Keith, here's this parking space or anything. I just don't know that, I don't know. I really don't know. But I will say, if God does look down, because I got arrested the next day.

Like, God looking down, you son of a, you know, just like, but anyways. So, and that was during the time when my drinking was, you know, they talk about fun, and then fun with problems, and then all problems. Like, that was during the stage of my, just so much fun. And drinking was just everything.

It was just so, and much to my surprise, my alcoholism progressed so rapidly. And within a couple years, I was drinking and using morning, noon, and night. And I'll tell you the craziest thing for me about my, for me, with my alcoholism. And I don't know if you have, if you're new, or anyone has, identifies with, but I couldn't, I lacked the perspective to see honestly what was really going on in my life.

You know, because when I got to Alcoholics Anonymous, I don't know if anyone else felt like this, I felt so alone. I felt so, like, nobody had been there for me. Nobody had really, I felt like this tragic figure, which is such a joke. It's so incredible, my level of inability to see the truth.

I had so many people in my life trying to intervene in my life. I had coaches, and teachers, and counselors, and juvenile probation officers, and people just screaming at me. I remember the dean of my high school, because I was always getting into trouble, I was always getting searched, they always thought I was dealing drugs, which I never did successfully at all. But they always were, like, searching me, like, they would be like, all right, pulling it, you know, and then this, like, this pretty dramatic thing, it was just such a joke.

But I remember her, you know, like, it was just typical, always, whenever they were searching me, I was like, go ahead, you know. And, but that particular day, I had been on a run of drinking and partying for a few days, and a couple nights, like, no sleep, just that type of thing, which was not all the time, but it was, like, every day drinking and musing, and then sometimes, if I stole, like, one time, just ripped off of where I worked, or a friend, or something like that, be able to go on these crazy runs, and that particular day, I'd been up for a couple days. And I was sitting there all smug, like, go ahead, search me, you know. And she started crying.

She said, look at you. Look at you. You were doing so well. Don't you see it?

Don't you see what's going on? Because I had done really well, and they knew my brothers, they knew my family. Believe me, people knew my dad. Like, they would sometimes not, we'd get into trouble, and they would just be like, we don't want, we don't want their dad coming down here.

It would be like a scene. As a matter of fact, I was teaching school, like I said, in sobriety, and these kids didn't want to take this math test in an honors class, and so they called in a bomb threat to the school, which I totally understand. You know, like, and that makes sense. But this was right after the Columbine incident, and these kids got, they got busted, some of them, of course, they traced the call, whatever.

Like, five of these kids all got expelled from the district, from honors middle school math class. The last kid was sitting for his parents to come pick him up, waiting in the office, and his dad came in, and like somehow from the front door into the principal's office, seemed to make it in one bound, and just knocked his kid out of his chair. And everyone was like, and I like, I got choked up. I had to call my dad.

I was like, I love you, Dad. Like, I love you. That brought back some memories, let me tell you. But anyways, so it's like, you know, the dean of my high school, she had known my family, and she had known I was doing really well.

And I went from being all smug to like, oh my God, like, get me out of here. Like, get me out of here. And then when I talked to my parents, like, I want to go to college, you know, I was living in this world where I thought everything was fine. Everything was still fine.

You know, it's like, I'm drinking today, and drinking gives me that feeling of a job well done, without doing a damn thing. And, you know, like, what happened is, my alcoholism progressed so far that they, like, I kicked off the golf team my senior year for drinking. And I remember, I'll tell you something funny. When I was new in AA, people said, listen for the similarities.

And I was incapable of listening for the similarities. People would be like, oh, I had blackouts, da-da-da. And I'd be like, I never had blackouts. I had blackouts from the very beginning.

I just loved it. I knew that that meant I had a good time. Like, they didn't scare me. I loved it.

I loved drinking for oblivion. And people said, like, I'd get, you know, someone would get up to the podium and say, I wasn't going to drink today, and I'd be drunk by noon. And I'd think, you need AA. It sounds like you're weak.

You don't have willpower. That's what I might have in me thinking. You know, but I'll tell you something. My junior year in high school, when my alcoholism really started taking over, our golf coach got sick, or he actually got gangrene or something, and they amputated part of his leg or something.

And I was like, good, I didn't like him anyways. So the football coach took over. And he was like, I don't know anything about golf. I was the best player.

He goes, just run the team. Now, I love coaching. I coached my daughter, Kira, in basketball. I still to this day coach a ton.

I coach a ton of basketball. I coach high school club. I just love it. But back then, it was like, he put me in charge, and I was like, yes, let's go.

I loved it. We started having this incredible year. We beat a couple teams we'd never beat before. And we had a chance to win our league, which we were always in third place behind Kyle's Birdies and Rolling Hills.

And on the biggest match of the year, I showed up drunk. And I'm telling you, there is no way I would have let that happen. It was so important to me. It meant everything to me.

That was the first time I ever kind of thought, what just happened? Because when I got up that day, I was so excited. I had set the ladder, arranged the groups where we were going to do it. And then I was so excited.

I had lunch and went out with my buddies. And then this one guy said, I didn't even know him. We went to this guy's house. I didn't know him.

And he goes, you can have one beer, right? And I was like, yeah, of course I can have one beer. And I showed up drunk, and the look on my teammate's face was like, what the hell? And I was the best player, so I teed off first, blew two balls out of bounds, and we got murdered and destroyed.

And it was like the next day, I just had to pretend like it just didn't happen. But I got kicked off the team my senior year. And I was like, what am I going to do? And there's a line in Bill's story where it says, alcohol ceased to be a luxury and became a necessity.

And I'm not here to say I packed 30 years of hard drinking into five years of drinking and using because I don't think it's possible. But for me, I couldn't stand the conditions of my life anymore. And just being a little drunk and loaded wasn't enough. It had to be oblivion all the time.

And I started doing crazier and crazier things to stay drunk and loaded all the time. Started breaking into cars in the neighborhood, breaking into houses of people I knew. I will say, I don't want to paint the wrong picture up here. Because I can't stand it when people try and badden up their stories from the podium.

The truth of the matter, I was just some two-bit punk weasel, just cheap chisel mooch. I'm not trying to brag to impress the ladies out here. But that is a fact. That is a fact.

I wasn't some hardcore criminal. I was a worm. And nobody meant anything to me. When my brother got into that car accident, he got in an altercation with the police and they almost beat him to death.

I mean, he deserved a good beating because he put two of them in the hospital. He bit one of the pieces of the guy's arm off. He was on a bad trip. You know, he went crazy.

And they beat him almost to death. He was strapped down in USC Hospital. And my family was going to see him. And they said, are you coming?

And I was like, nope. And I honestly didn't care if he lived or died. I'm not a person who feels bad about things, but when I made that amends to him, I could not... I couldn't keep it together because I knew the person I was.

Anyways, I got... I turned 18. I got arrested a couple more times. And the last time I got arrested, to tell you what a fine, upstanding citizen I was, it was for strong-arming someone for a person brought daylight.

And I'd love to say that's not the type of person I was, but that's exactly the type of person I was. And I was sitting in that jail cell and something happened to me that was the most important thing that's ever happened in my life. And it was not like, oh my God, I've got to stop drinking. Because I didn't...

I just didn't even think about that. But I had this feeling like this is what my life was going to be like. This is what my life was going to be like. I'm going to keep doing these things that are hurting people.

And that image when I was in the back of the police car in handcuffs and that woman, half an hour later, still hyperventilating. I mean, to tell you what an idiot I was, it was 3.30 in the afternoon at Pacific Coast Highway. Literally, almost every resident of Redondo Beach witnessed me trying to steal this woman's purse. I'm just an idiot.

I don't know. I don't know what to tell you. But I was in that jail cell and I knew that this is what my life was going to be like. And, for me, the most important thing was I knew there was nothing I could do about it.

It was going to be like this the rest of my life. And it's funny, we were talking, sitting there... I'm sorry, what's your name? Jamie.

We were both sharing experiences and when we hit that moment, something happened where I didn't end up having to go to jail and Jamie had a very... It's funny, we were in the midst of bingo and we just started talking and within five minutes both of us were choked up and almost started crying. And like Norm Alton used to say, nobody cries like those AA guys. That's for sure.

And he used to say, we laugh because we're miserable and we cry because we're happy. And it's like, I'm so grateful. What happened is I got out of that jail cell and I went to see this lawyer. I didn't call my brother, who was stark raving sober at the time.

I went to see this lawyer because... I mean, I don't know what I'm going to see a lawyer for, but the good Samaritans of Redondo Beach make a citizen's arrest on you. I don't know what I'm going to talk about, but I went to see this lawyer and I played golf with his son and he invited me to alcoholic sonatas. And he said, do you want to meet me at a meeting tomorrow night?

And I skateboarded to that meeting on a skateboard I bought with a stolen credit card and I was wearing a pair of high-top sneakers I bought with a different stolen credit card. And I was just lost and broken as much as any human being could be at the age of 18 or 19 years old. And I skateboarded, I walked into that meeting and I didn't feel at home. It was a meeting a lot like this, with wood floors and people were stomping, it was the foot stompers, and they stomped their feet.

There was all this energy. It was just way too much. It was way too much. It felt like everybody was like, Hi!

You know, because you're like... No, I get it. You're 18. Oh my God.

It was just like, whoa. Tone down that welcome a little bit, please. And I just didn't understand it. I honestly didn't understand what was going on in Alcoholics Anonymous.

I really genuinely didn't. Like, what were people so interested in? What were so like, why are you so happy to see me? What's really the deal here?

And I'll tell you something that I did come to find out to be an attraction. You know, it was like, people weren't necessarily interested in me, per se, or whatever. It was like, all they wanted to find out is like, hey, are you having a problem drinking? Can you not stop drinking?

Or do you want to do something about your drinking? Is your life not working anymore? And do you want to do something about it? And if that's the case, then we're really interested in you.

We will do anything for you if you're new. That's been my experience, you know. And I look back on those times, you know, I'm extremely grateful for a lot of things in my life. But at that time, I just feel like I was given this grace.

I don't even know what the heck was happening, you know. The next day, my phone rang. I didn't make a decision to call it, to join AA. I just went to that meeting.

It was just information. And this guy came and got me and took me to a men's day. That lawyer had given this guy my number. And this guy was on fire for AA.

He was like 48 days sober or something. And absolutely on fire for AA. And on the way home, and he was like, he had this long hair. He was a musician.

All gray. He was so like this. And he's like, oh man, the meeting. I got this home group.

It's just the best meeting in the world. It's unbelievable. It's this morning meeting. And I don't know if anyone's had this experience, but something came out of my mouth that I had no plans of saying it.

And I asked that guy if he would give me a ride to that meeting the next day. And I'm telling you, it was one of those, like, right when it came out of my mouth, I regretted saying it. Like, why did I just say that? And then he was like, of course!

And he was all fired up. There was him and a couple other guys, all who had between like 40 and 90 days sober. They lived in San Pedro. And they would drive and come pick me up in Jalgarvier, which is about 25 minutes away from San Pedro, and to this meeting in Lomita, which is five minutes away from San Pedro.

It was a morning meeting at 7 a. m. And these three guys got my sorry ass there every single day, Monday through Friday. They never once called me and said, dude, I just feel like making the five-minute drive this morning.

They got me there every single day. And that became my first home group, the Sunrise Group at that meeting, Attitude Adjustment in Harbor City. You know, actually, it's funny. I was about 40-some days sober, and they, those three guys, actually one of them helped me get into a recovery house in San Pedro, actually.

I think they just wanted to shorten their commute, but no. And that really kind of changed my life. You know, I was just this lost kid. I was a filthy, disgusting human being, which has nothing to do with alcoholism.

This is dirty people anonymous. But I just was like, I just didn't know how to function. Like, in that house, in that recovery house, that structure was huge for me. It was just a big deal.

They made me take action that I wouldn't have taken otherwise. They were like, all right, new business. Keith, you know, and then the chairman would leave the meeting and be like, Keith, yo, clean up your room, dude. Do your laundry, it stinks, like, and they would just move on.

And I would be like, wait, hold on, can I explain? You know, like, I don't know about anyone else, if there's any other explainers here tonight. But I got some bad news for you, if you are an explainer like me. Nobody cares why you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.

And I mean nobody, you know. And they just got me to take action. They made me get a job. They made me get a sponsor.

Or it was like, yo, you don't have to, because I would be like, I don't know about you, but this whole idea of sponsorship, I just didn't feel like it was for me. I remember hearing some guys say, you know, I want to date this girl, but my sponsor says I shouldn't so I'm not going to. And I was like, yeah, I don't think sponsorship is for me. And I just didn't make sense to me.

Like, I live my life 23 hours and 57 minutes a day. I'm going to talk to this complete stranger for 3 minutes, they're going to tell me to do something, I'm going to do it. Like, it just doesn't make sense. To this day, it doesn't make sense.

Like, I remember talking to some guy, this was a couple years ago, and I was kind of hitting the, you know, the usual, do you have a sponsor, and he had had enough. Like, I was the 100th person who's given a hard time about sponsoring goes, let me just tell you something. I was like, okay. I am fundamentally against the idea of sponsorship.

And I was like, me too, brother. Me too, you know. But, it works. And these guys made me get a sponsor and I asked this guy to be my sponsor.

He was hanging around the recovery house and he'd buy pizza sometimes. I was too, like, he was actually dating one of the guys in the house and I just, I guess I was the only one who didn't realize it, you know. And this is 1989 in San Pedro, and I guarantee there was not a lot of guys out in San Pedro in 1989. But that guy saved my life.

And I will forever be grateful to him. I have a ton of fond memories. My fondest memories of my life are going over to that guy's house and going through the big book of Alcoholics Anonymous together and finding out what alcoholism is. And finding out, much to my surprise, that I'm an alcoholic and that my solution is Alcoholics Anonymous, you know.

Things just happen very, very, very slowly for me, for sure. I was 18, I'm like, now I'm sober, I'm going to build my empire. It turns out, not so much for me. My first four years of sobriety, I worked at a gas station in San Pedro, South Shores, Unacal.

And San Pedro really is like a small town. It was an awesome place for me to work and kind of lay my foundation in sobriety. I slowly went back to school. I ended up transferring to UCLA, which was still my dream school.

And the day I graduated from UCLA was one of the coolest days of my life. I had about six or seven years sober at that time. I had moved to West L. A.

and joined the Pacific Group. My dad and I had a very strained relationship for years. But really, it was like that day, there was this healing. I got lost from the people I was with, and he got lost from the family, because this big crowd kind of rushed down.

We ran into each other, and we both just cried. We just cried in each other's arms. He's like, I'm so proud of you. You did this all on your own.

Because my dad had never had... I was the opposite of him. He was kind of in your face, honest, and I was just this weasel. But he was really, really proud.

I was like, it's not... It actually wasn't me, Dad. It was alcohol. It's synonymous, to be honest.

Shockingly, I was one of those alcoholic men who had problems with relationships. I'm probably the only one in this room. It would be like running out of one house when I was on fire after another. Then I realized I was the one setting the fires.

I was like, oh my gosh, it's me. Then eventually, I met Yuko, some of you may know. We got married and had kids. I will say, I think there's some misrepresentation in Alcoholics Anonymous about children, I'll be very honest.

Everyone's like, oh, I want to thank my daughter so-and-so, my son, it's just so... I remember thinking, yeah, it sounds kind of cool to have kids. Let me tell you something. Kids are a giant pain in the ass.

Oh my God. They are so much work. They're so selfish. They're so easy to make and they're so hard to take care of.

The funniest is, my oldest daughter, Kiko, she was a dream. She was this sweet, considerate pleaser. She was so much fun. I used to joke, she was like my jealous girlfriend.

She'd be like, where are you going daddy? When are you coming home? She was so sweet. Then my daughter, Kira, was a nightmare.

She was a liar, a manipulator. I don't know where she got it from. I swear to God. It must be her mom.

We were genuinely concerned about Kira. Wow. I used to hate it when people said, I'm saving a seat for my kid. I would be like, not me.

Not me. I did not want... I lived under the misconception that I could love any potential alcoholism out of my kids. I was like, no way.

Not me. Not us. I really felt that way. A lot of things, but I was a present father.

I loved being a father to those girls. It was so much fun. I mean, Kira's my best friend. We are super close.

The meeting on the way out, we were just hanging out and talking. It was so much fun. She's such a good person. Back then, she wasn't, to be honest.

Kika was this dream kid. When she started drinking, when her alcoholism took off, I couldn't believe it. There's no way. No chance, my daughter.

I lived under this conception that I could somehow control her alcoholism. It's insane. But when her alcoholism just went through our house like Grant went through Richard, it just was insane. It just destroyed our house.

Yuko and I had the hardest couple years of our marriage. I actually talked about getting a divorce. It had such an impact on Kira. It was just crazy.

Kiko ended up getting going. We had to kick her out of the house at 19. She ended up, six months later, living in her car. It was just so heartbreaking.

She sometimes would pull up out in front of our house and just sleep in her car. She had too much pride to knock on the door and wake it up. It would just be so heartbreaking. It was the hardest thing and not even a close second in my life.

She met up with some career criminal and he stole her car and beat her up. She ended up getting sober. I had known and been around enough. I will say this.

I would talk to people about Kiko. Nothing made me feel better than one person that I could talk to. I felt some relief. It was annoying.

I would call her and check in. She gave me some direction. Whatever. Fortunately, I've been around alcoholism and the family disease and family recovery.

I knew I couldn't help her. We stayed out of it and let her go down. She ended up getting sober. She was in this treatment center.

She was like, I'm not going to Pacific Group. My wife was like, nobody invited you. I don't know what you're talking about. I figured she would join Young People AA.

I didn't care. I just stayed out of it. I knew I couldn't do anything about it. We did stay out of it.

She called us one day. She goes, I got a sponsor. This woman came in on a panel. I was like, oh, that's awesome.

Good job. I was like, oh, what's her name? She's like, Georgia. I was like, Georgia B.

She's like, yeah. I was like, and I couldn't believe it. I was like, oh. I thought she might be coming to the Pacific Group.

Sure enough, she started. Pretty soon, fast forward three weeks, she's like, are you coming on Thursday night? She's like, give me shit about my beans. Anyways, it's about time for me to shut up.

I'll say this and then I'll sit down. I'm so grateful. If anyone is new or relatively new, I'm so thankful. I've been sober for 35 and a half years.

I'm so thankful that I found Alcoholics Anonymous. I was two years sober when I was convinced in my innermost self that I was an alcoholic. I'm so grateful I had enough grace and I got to meetings and I had good people in my life. I even had worked the steps already on that, but I was really two years sober when I really understood, wow, alcoholism is my problem and Alcoholics Anonymous is my solution.

I had this sense as long as I am around AA and active in AA, then things are going to be alright. I thought of, actually when I was relatively new, I went to the South Bay Roundup and this guy got up and said, Fran's going to read chapter five. I was just sitting there and everyone's like, my name's Fran, I'm a grateful alcoholic and the crowd just went into a frenzy and I just remember going, man, I hope Fran gets into a car accident. I mean, okay, we got to be here, but nobody could be that grateful.

Stop. It was just seething. In Fran's honor, I'm going to talk about gratitude. What am I the most grateful for?

I thought about it. I'm grateful for a lot of things. Having the relationship I do with my kids and all of us in recovery and in sobriety, I'm just so, so grateful. Life has had its ups and downs.

Believe me. Life has had its ups and downs. My dad was five years sober and drank again and drank himself to death. We've had challenges or whatever, but these are the three things I'm the most grateful for.

The first thing I'm the most grateful for is my physical sobriety. I'm grateful that I'm not living under the lash of alcoholism today. Like I said, I see it all the time. If you go to Enough Means, you see it.

Alcoholism is a killer. It's just as deadly today for me as it was in June of 1989. I'm so grateful that I didn't put anything in my system that affects me from the neck up today. Just today.

That's an unnatural state for me. I don't ever want to lose sight of how lucky I am to be in that state. It's that state of grace. And I take action to ensure it.

I don't just live on it. I have to continually go to be involved in alcoholics and continually try to help people. And the second thing I'm most grateful for is how I feel in my own skin. I feel comfortable in my own skin.

I never felt comfortable in my own skin growing up. Whether it's growing up in that environment or just my personality or whatever it is and well into sobriety, I didn't feel comfortable. Sometimes I talk to somebody who's got a couple years like, what am I doing wrong? I'm struggling.

It's like, you're not doing anything wrong. Sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. That's been my experience. And I'm grateful for how I feel.

There's ups and downs. Lately I've let go of my job in February. I've been unemployed and my wife had to go get a job which is, as they say, a functioning alcoholic is an alcoholic spouse works. I've kind of gotten used to that.

But I'm getting ready to get this job. I'm going to go back into teaching after 20 years in the mortgage business. And sometimes it's been struggle like that. Having that lack of structure or whatever.

But I feel comfortable in my own skin most of the time. And I know that's a result of Alcoholics Anonymous. These steps and having a God. And I'm extremely grateful for that.

And the last thing I'm the most grateful for is this purpose we have in Alcoholics Anonymous. I truly feel like it's the best deal in town. Alcoholics Anonymous works because it's so against my nature. I truly believe that.

But I have connections with people in Alcoholics Anonymous. There's people I don't even know their last name. And I feel like a genuine love for when I see them. Like a genuine caring and love for.

And for me, for somebody who's so naturally isolated and alone and by myself, that's like a spiritual experience for me. I truly believe that. And I'm so grateful. I'm sure if you're new, you hope my car veers off the file on the way home and I smash it up a little bit.

But if you're new in this fellowship, in either fellowship, and your life's not working or you can't stop drinking or you can't stop trying to, whatever it is, I wish those three things on you. So, thanks for being here. Thank you.