Santa Clarita Convention Spaghetti Dinner · Duration 30:16
I am Logan. I am an alcoholic.
[00:03] I'd like to thank Richie for inviting me out here. Kevin, Mike, for the company, Lisa, for the great dinner and fellowship and laughs, and that's what I love about these rooms. It's the laughter and the connection with people. Um, when I was, uh, just to go over the uh, basics. My sobriety date is September 24th, 2013. I'm a member of the Pacific Group, and my sponsor is Tom B. And those things are really important. Those are things that keep me, uh, keep me in line. Keep me in good set. Uh, I, uh, I was thinking before I was sitting there.
[00:45] I can't believe I'm like, I've never cleared out a room this big before, but we're going to give it a try. I, uh, you know, it's I can't believe that from where I come from. I'm in I'm in Santa Clarita, speaking at a church in front of it. It's 200 people. And when you hear my story, it's ridiculous that I'm here. It's a miracle beyond miracles. And, you know, as an alcoholic, I should, honestly, I should be doing cartwheels down the street every single day, having, you know, gotten this life that we get here.
[01:25] But, but you know what? I still have the brain of an alcoholic. I was talking to Mike before, I'm saying, you know, I have a disease that tells me when things are bad, when I'm living in a ho- a cheap motel room in Las Vegas, uh, with my hooker girlfriend, uh, snorting speed, doing shots, everything's good, man. Everything is really good.
[01:51] But when I drive a car up to Santa Clarita today, a car that's registered and paid for, coming from my apartment where I have the keys, you know? my head can tell me, well, this is kind of boring, you know, where's the action?
[02:13] You know? And that's and I have a brain that's very active. And AA and what we do in here in the steps is the only thing that I found that could tame this brain and turn me into anything resembling a human being.
[02:29] I grew up in, uh, by the way, uh, I grew up in Brooklyn, New York, and that was a, that was a spaghetti sauce, forget about it.
[02:39] Oh. Oh.
[02:48] I grew up in Brooklyn and you know, I grew up in an alcoholic family. My father was an alcoholic, and it was a periodic, and he, uh, he'd go on benders for three, four months at a time, and, you know, and the craziness in the house that went went with that. And I swore I'd never be like him. I swore, he did tons of detoxes. You know, come to the end of his three or four month run and off we'd go to Kings County Hospital or, you know, hospital and all different psych hospitals at the time.
[03:25] And, uh, you know, my mother was uh, a crazy pre-Al-Anon. She was hysterical. It was a lot of angst and a lot of craziness in the house. I remember growing up and I always worried about my father, like coming home from Manhattan into Brooklyn on the subway and fallen on the tracks. You know, I always had that fear and I had a backboard on my bed and it was a wooden backboard and had teeth marks on it for me chewing on it from the angst. And, you know, I just, you know, I always had that keyed, I was always keyed up and had a busy head.
[04:00] And, you know, but I swore I'd never be like my father. And I didn't, I was a late bloomer when it came to drinking. I didn't, I didn't start drinking, uh, really until I was 19. Because, you know, I just did not. I just did not want to be like him. But, you know, I turned out like him and then some. You know, he might have had high school diploma. I got the PhD in alcoholism, you know? I, uh, you know, I, so, I, I, my first love broke up with me.
[04:33] I was 19 years old. I remember sitting around my house and moping around and my father told my friends, go in and get him, get him out of here. He's, you know, been moping around for months and they took me out to Poverty's Pub in Brooklyn, New York. And I remember having those, and I remember like it was yesterday. those two Budweisers and two shots of blackberry brandy. And all of a sudden, I could breathe. But it was like, I was like, all of a sudden the music sounded good. The lights, the, you know, the girls, I was like, I was like, making out with some girl by the 2 by, so Mary who?
[05:12] You know, my my broken heart was gone.
[05:17] And, you know, I just, I, I didn't, and I did not start, I didn't go into alcoholism right away. And I think that's part of the reason it was so it was such a struggle to get sober and I fought it because I had drank successfully for a long time until I didn't. And I but I always wanted to get it back because I knew I could do it. I knew I was going to beat the game somehow. And, uh, you know, I, uh, I started going out on the weekends with my friends, we'd go out to the Hamptons on Long Island, you know, we had a beach house during the summer.
[05:54] It was great. Everybody, well, you know, we weren't doing anything. We were just drinking, chasing girls, listening to bands, having fun. And we were working hard, finished college, and got a job in the city as a sports writer. And for UPI, and I was like, off to the races. But, and it was the thing about alcoholism. I mean, it could get you quick or it could be really slow and insidious. And it took, it just, it nipped away at my life little by little before I knew what was going. I don't know where I crossed the line.
[06:33] The only thing I had, I was about 27. I got married and had a daughter. And I remember getting up in the middle of the night. You know, I was going, I was living on Long Island, working in the city, and I remember getting up in the middle of the night and having these big goblets of wine. I love sitting in the dark. Just sitting in the dark, in the living room. Baby was asleep. Wife was asleep, and I just sit there drinking and I'm like, ah, you know, I was away from everything.
[07:01] And, you know, and eventually, you know, she got tired of uh, she got tired of me going out for a quart of milk and coming home three days later, you know? And that's, I'd go out. I was on the road a lot with, with my job. And I, you know, I suppose I'd be, I was supposed to be home on a Sunday night, I'd get home on a Tuesday. You know, I was a terrible husband, a horrible father, because, you know, it just mocks my career in alcohol. Oh, okay. All our careers.
[07:38] The most important thing to me on any given day is how I feel in the moment. How do I feel and how am I going to feel better? Whether you get in the way of that, my responsibilities, you know, to you as a husband, as a father, if that gets in the way, I'm sorry, but I, you know, I have to take, I have to put this fire out inside me. And, you know, I eventually I got divorced and moved to Las Vegas, which, you know, there I am in Las Vegas and, you know, my, you know, I upgraded.
[08:15] I upgraded. The alcoholism upgraded at that point. And the great thing about Vegas, you never hear those horrible, horrible words, last call.
[08:27] I, you know, I'm going on, and now, now the drink, it's not going to affect my work and my business. And, you know, I'm starting, it's getting harder and harder to answer the bell for work. And, uh, you know, I go to treatment in 1995, I go out to, I come out to Port Hueneme. There was a treatment center out there, Steps and Anacapa. And, uh, I got, and I was sober for eight years after that. You know, I got really active in AA. And but what was missing from that sobriety, that eight years of sobriety was a total surrender.
[09:02] You know, I was doing it for, you know, I wanted, I didn't want to screw up work and I didn't want to screw up my career, so I was doing it for that. And it was a great social club in Vegas. You know, again, it was all about chasing chasing girls and just having fun and fellowship and, you know, yeah, this is cool. But back in the back of my mind, I had that reservation. That reservation was like this. It was like, if I feel bad enough, anxious enough, depressed enough, something enough, for long enough, I kind of reserve the right to drink.
[09:39] And that day, and that day came because, Unbeknownst to me, I'm going to set up a train of circumstances, one way or another, where I do feel anxious enough, depressed enough, or something enough to be able to justify picking up that drink. And, you know, that day came and I picked up that drink. And, you know, I had, you know, in all the times I've relapsed, I never, I don't think once, I did not feel justified picking up that drink. You know, I had a million justifications. And it was like, if you felt like me, you drink too.
[10:19] You know, you can't, and I remember saying this to somebody and maybe, they were told, I had realized and they said, why can't you, why can't you? why can't it's open? I'm like, you're asking me I remember telling the guy, you're asking me to put my hand on a stove while you turn on the burner and keep my hand there. That's what it felt like. That's what not drinking feels like to me. And, um, You know, so I, uh, you know, I go, I, I sold that, I sold the business I had and now I'm in Las Vegas.
[10:55] I started, I started drinking again and I sold a business and I got money coming in for like five or six years. So, I mean, alcoholic paradise. And I look back on that and I go, what, what, I mean, as far as, I like to say, if horse race, if alcoholism was horse racing, I'm Secretariat, and the way I set that up. 24/7, money coming in for five or six years, this is great. I got it going on now. And, you know, I got into the bar business and I, and basically for eight years, I did absolutely nothing except go to the bar.
[11:36] I worked in the bar here and there. Go to the bar, snort speed, play video poker, and run around. That's all. That's all I did for eight years. And you know what? At first, I don't remember going out at first. Why did I wait so long? I needed that drink. And I, you know, I don't know. I might have, I might have, I might not be here today if I didn't pick up that drink. That's, you know, I was in that kind of mental anguish at the time. And, you know, so I'm out there.
[12:11] I'm running, gunning for eight years and uh, you know, I get a call one day from a couple of my AA friends and they said, hey, why don't you come, why don't you come meet us, you know, your sponsor is sick. He's not doing well. So I met them for dinner. And I remember hanging out with those guys for a couple of hours and not drinking. Just Diet Coke. I remember going back to the apartment.
[12:32] And I remember it was the first crack of light I had seen in like in years. Yeah, I, I, you know, hanging out with those guys and and, and having that connection, you know, out there. I mean, I don't know what it is. You know, that I remember when I do pick when I do pick up that drink and relapse, there is a cutoff. I'm cut off from something. And I mean, I feel that. I feel it's a cutoff and it's a loneliness that sets in and you got to keep drinking and put the fire out.
[13:07] And, uh, so I, I'm, I'm driving back to the apartment and feeling like I was driving back to hell. I was driving back into hell. And at the time I had this, you know, crazy alcoholic drug addict girlfriend, just like, just, you know, I go — lower companionship, but of course, I don't realize I'm the lower companion.
[13:32] I look in the mirror. I'm with the lower companion. There it is. And we had this insane relationship. She had a psychiatrist sugar daddy who was feeding her pills and it was just, it was just, it was, it was just so, it was so twisted. And I remember like laying in that apartment waiting for her to get home with a bottle and I'm waiting for that bottle. It was like I was sitting on a plane waiting for that oxygen mask to drop when, you know, when it, it's just, that's how bad I needed those drinks.
[14:08] I remember just staring. I remember the ceiling fan, and the vent next to the ceiling fan, like it was yesterday, and that feeling of desperation for that drink and the horrors, and, you know, just having a, you know, like you were going to jump out of your skin. I don't miss that today. I do not miss that today. And, uh, you know, finally, uh, you know, I gave my old sponsor a call. He goes, okay, you know, he goes, come on, you know, come out to, you know, he made the arrangements and I came out to LA to try to get sober.
[14:40] And, um, you know, I got, and that started like, that started about two or three — about three years of back and forth in and out. I came out here. I'm at the Brotman detox when I got out here. And, um, I remember I went in there and I was a .40 alcohol. I was, I remember slugging the bottle of Jager down in the parking lot. you know, just trying, you know, trying to get the guts to go in. And, uh, you know, I went in and then, yeah, um, I, I started this.
[15:15] It was like a game to me, getting sober. It it became like this game. I had never experienced the full consequences of my drinking. You know, somebody was, people were always there to help. Hundreds of good people try to help me along the way. Hundreds. I'd come out, I'd get sober. I'd go to sober living for a couple of months and I say, okay, that's quite enough of this. And back to Vegas, I go. And I remember sitting at a bar in Vegas and looking at the bartender and saying, and laughing, going, I escaped again.
[15:52] And she looked at me and she goes, You escaped what? She goes, you escaped a good life? Now you're back here being a drunken bum again. That was like, how dare you?
[16:05] How dare you? And I stormed out. I stormed out, you know? And I was back I was back two days later.
[16:15] You know, and it was it and getting sober was it was it was like this stupid little game I was playing. you know, okay. All right. I'd be back in Vegas a month or two and I'd get, you know, be all tore up again and I'd call up my buddy David who had a sober living and he'd come out and get me and I'd do the same thing over and over and over again. And during that time, I got 5150'd. I was 5150'd a couple of times in Vegas, I got picked up for child support.
[16:51] I've done hard time. I did three days for child support.
[16:57] So, and I remember the nurse looking at me. at the jail going, she goes, are you an alcoholic? I said, yeah. She goes, honey, she goes, is your first time here? I said, yeah. She goes, if this is, if you don't stop drinking, this isn't your last time. I remember that. I remember her saying that. And I remember, something registered, something registered. You know, I, uh, so I did this. I did this dance and, you know, and here I am. I'm in my 50s. And, um, calling mommy for, you know, my mother who's 80, 80 years old at the time.
[17:34] And she's, she has to go. I'm calling her. I need two, three hundred dollars. And in New York, having to go. you know, walk a couple blocks in, you know, freezing cold because Sonny Boy, you know, doesn't have his stuff together and needs money to live, you know, for a roof over my head. I need money to drink, you know? And, uh, so I'm, I'm, I'm playing this game. And then finally, you know, the family, you know, the family intervened, uh, everybody, I burnt all of any bridges I had in life. I burnt I burnt them all.
[18:15] I remember calling it my, I came out. I came back from Vegas and Tim Malloy in the Pacific Group was my sponsor at the time. And he said, all right. He goes, you got any better ideas? He goes, you got one night on my couch. One night and then you go into the Midnight Mission tomorrow. I went, whoa, whoa, let's not let's not panic. You know, let's take it easy. Take it easy.
[18:44] So come on. He goes, well, you have any better ideas? to keep yourself off the street? And I didn't. And I called my sister and she said, I said, I have no place to go. What am I going to do? She's like, sorry, we can't help you anymore. Click. And, you know, I just I had no friendly place to turn. I had burnt everything down. I didn't have a nickel to my name. And Tim Malloy took me to the Midnight Mission the next morning. And I remember him when he dropped me off, he looked at me.
[19:22] He goes, you're going to finally pick up the tab for all your bullshit. And I didn't like hearing that.
[19:32] He goes, no more velvet pillows for you.
[19:38] And, you know, I, uh, but he said to me, he goes, I promise you, if you go in there. He goes, and you stay for a year, I promise you you'll own your own life again. And I hadn't owned my own life in a long, long time. And I walked in and I remember walking through the courtyard at the mission and there's people laying on the ground, homeless and everything. And mind you, I have a, a week-old beard. I'm filthy, I have a green garbage bag with like a tattered wallet, a busted cell phone, a dirty pair of underwear, and I'm walking through the courtyard going, I don't belong here.
[20:25] Look at these people.
[20:30] Only the alcoholic can look up from the gutter, look down at people. Look look up and down at people at the same time. And I walked in there and for the first time when I sat on that pre-admit bunk at the Midnight Mission, I completely lost faith in my thinking. It was like, how the hell did I get here? How the hell did I get here? I'm sitting at the Midnight Mission. I had this career in sports and sports television. I had, you know, I had a business. I, you know, I had, you know, I had, had it all.
[21:08] And here I am at the Midnight Mission with no, with absolutely nothing, and no place to turn. I mean, I got, when I was sitting there, I was like, I was, I remember being grateful for the fact that I knew where my next meal was coming from, and I could take a shower and I had a place to go to the bathroom. That was, you know, that was, you know, I was grateful for that. And if I had a better idea or $50, I would have probably left. But God put me in the position where I had I had to stay because I had no ideas and no nowhere else to go.
[21:48] And, uh, you know, I got in there and, uh, you know, my first job at the mission was cleaning the toilets in the courtyard and, you know, and the sidewalks and the needles and the baggies and the vomit and all that stuff. That was my first job, you know, get up at five in the morning and, you know, it was called work therapy. And... It wasn't gentle therapy. But it is exactly what I needed. It was exact. I really, the worst thing for me was one more velvet pillow. I did not need any more velvet pillows.
[22:29] I needed every, you know, and I wound up staying at that mission for 20 months. I wound up staying at the Midnight Mission for 20 months, and I got to be, you know, I graduated from the toilets in the courtyard, to the lobby floor inside, and then I got a job. Then they asked me if I wanted to be Clancy's assistant.
[22:51] And I was, I got to be his assistant for 15 months. And talk about, if I don't see a god working in my life, because this is all this stuff, there's no way I'm standing without all of this happening, you know, I wind up in Clancy's lap for 15 months. And it's not so much what he said, uh, uh, it's, it's, I just, I watched him every day. I watched him, things like he'd, he'd tell me, he'd come out and he'd go, okay, bring the paper down to the guy in the parking garage because he's he's all alone in that booth for hours and hours.
[23:32] You know, he'd be done with the USA today. I bring the paper down. He was, I just watched the way he would interact with people and be with people. And the stuff that he's told me like. Just remember, kid, kindness is your default setting in any situation. And that has really served me well. I do property management, and I have 120 tenants, different units, and that has really served me well. A lot of different personalities. And, uh, you know, and the kind, the kindness thing is, is, is at the forefront and I have good relations.
[24:08] I really do. I have good. I'm blessed to have the relationships I do with some of these tenants and, you know, and but without you guys, without doing this steps, without all the stuff that we learn in here, there's no way I could go out there and be a human being, be a service to people, and not be a jerk. You know, that's impossible without AA.
[24:34] So I'm at the mission. I started driving the van to the Pacific Group meetings at the mission. And, you know, I got, you know, I got involved. Tim was my sponsor, and then Clancy became my sponsor, and you know, I went through the steps, and, you know, my son, my daughter, I still have, you know, I tried to make the amends to my daughter, and my ex-wife. Well, I have four ex-wives total to do that.
[25:04] Some drunk, some sober, you know. Somebody asked me the other day, well, what did they have in common? I went, that's what went wrong.
[25:18] So, I, you know, and, you know, I have, I had to give that, put that in God's hands, you know, I reached out, I wrote a letter of amends years and years ago, and, you know, I, I remember when I, uh, I, they call, my ex-wife call me, and she goes, uh, yeah, uh, my new husband wants to adopt her. And I like to say, oh, oh, yes, it's good for her. No, I want it out of the child support. And I signed the paper. Self-centered in the extreme. That's, you know, that's alcoholism.
[25:54] That's me. Um, You know, I have a son and, uh, You know, I've been, I was in and out of his life for years, he is in and out. You know, I'd been go, I was in Vegas, I'd be, you know, father for a couple of years and then out of his life and in and out and just, you know, and that took some, that took some building, but today I have a great relationship with my son, you know, and his mother. believe it or not. You know, she was going to visit him on Mother's Day, they live in Florida, and we're both saying, you know, my biological clock is ticking.
[26:30] I want to be a grandfather now. And, you know, the fact that I can laugh and have fun with my son and his and his mother is a miracle. It's a miracle of this deal. And, you know, in work in the steps, I mean, the first step, the first step for me is like, I didn't take that first step until I was on the bunk until I was on that bunk of the mission. That's when I believe I was powerless over my over alcohol, and I was powerless over my thinking.
[27:04] And then, you know, in the second that, like, Pacific Group, and AA was, you know, was the only thing that I thought could restore me to that I had no choice. It was either that or I had nothing else. And I just, you know, I just, you know, I just got into action. I got into action and work, worked the steps, started going to the meetings and, you know, I, this, the, you know, I still have a, a meeting, I still do five meetings a week. I sponsor guys. Um, you know, I'm up here today and it's, uh, Without all of this stuff, without all of this stuff.
[27:50] I don't function in life. I don't. And, you know, I get up every morning and I hit my knees and I ask God, please, and I think my pleas is even more desperate today than it was in the beginning, is: please direct my thinking. Please.
[28:09] Come on.
[28:12] Because, you know, I still have that, you know? And thank God I have a sponsor that tells me, it reminds me quite frequently, Logan, your head's not your friend. You know? But I know that. I know that. I used to be in love with my thinking and my thoughts. I, you know, I used to think I thought great thoughts, you know? And man, deep thoughts, you know, really deep, you know. And, you know, I'm I'm so full of.
[28:45] You know, but thank God I'm around you people, because you remind me not to take this too seriously. You know, if I'm not around you people, I start thinking, yeah, that is a good idea. Yeah, great, good. Attaboy, you know.
[29:06] You know, and and without you guys left to my own devices, I am screwed. And I know that. I know that today. I, You know, I go, I go, uh, lately, and this is why, because, here I am a speaker, right? Lately, I said, you know, I've been getting a little burnt out on speaker meetings.
[29:30] And we go to more discussion meetings, but it's like, it's up to me to find what I need in AA. It's up to me, is, you know, if I need to be more discussion meetings, than speaker meetings, if I, you know, need to be doing more of this and more of that, I can adjust, you know, I can adjust my program these days. But one thing I don't do is not need you guys. Because if I don't, if I start to think for a second that I don't need you guys or that I know a little better than my sponsor, or I know a little better.
[30:06] I am, I don't have a prayer. And I'm really happy to be here tonight. Thank you guys. Thanks for everything.