Al-Anon Kelly
Here and I said, well, because I'm shy, like I'm so shy, and she said, you're sure not shy before or after a meeting, so I don't believe you. I am sitting here like amazed that I'm even doing public speaking with you guys, because for years there are some women in this room that know I would just be like hiding from in a house, I wanted something you guys had. I knew I felt serenity in the meetings, but there was no way I was gonna get vulnerable with you guys about how messy I was on the inside. But she pulled me aside, this dear fellow, and she said, 'Kel, how do you spell love? And I said, 'Papa, I passed elementary school. Like, what's the joke here? And she said, okay, then you know it's spelled T I M E, and the reason I bring that up was because that has been the most valuable gift Al Anon has given me, is the gift of time, and How do I explain something that's so valuable yet priceless, like how do I explain a 12 step program has given me an understanding of what my worth is today, as to who I am, what my purpose is, what what I was born to do in this world today.
I'll just always be in awe of the gift of time, and I don't take it for granted. So I am deeply humbled to be up here and, like, tell you guys a little bit about my story. I love speaker meetings. It's my favorite, because I don't have to participate, but I can watch and listen to somebody, and just like laugh along with you guys. But today I'm on the other side of service. Last year I was here like sweating bullets with raffle baskets, so you guys did an amazing job with raffle baskets. I know how hard that is. The gift of time, Al-Anon has blessed me with the gift of time, and, like I said, I just.. I don't know how to measure that, but I will tell you a little bit about how I slid into the disease of alcoholism, like a wrecking ball. My mom was in Al-Anon for three years when I was born.
She was married to my bio dad, who was at his own words, for the bottom of the barrel trunk, that if there was no alcohol, there was Listerine, there was a night glow, there was something to not feel, and good, bad, or indifferent didn't want to feel, and of course it was raised from alcoholics, alcoholics that spent their whole entire paycheck on alcohol, and then the kids had to eat dog food for the week, like they were stealing candy bars at the liquor store. My father and dad was stealing and then giving it to his siblings because they were hungry. Like, I am so fortunate that I didn't have to be witnessed in that, but that is the lineage of what I've come from. When my mom found out she was pregnant with me, they were at their catastrophic worst in their marriage.
They had two boys, my brothers, and she was just trying to keep her head above water. There was infidelity, there was stealing of money, there was lies, all the things that you guys, I don't have to tell you, you know, come with alcoholism and the family disease and Al-Anonism. You know, I'm not singling out, like, Al-Anons can be just as crazy, and I know that. So she found out she was pregnant, and she went to him with, like, a heavy heart, and said, "I have something to tell you, I'm pregnant. And he said, "No, you're not, and if you are, you're going to get an abortion, and if you don't, then I'm divorcing you. And so she said, well, then I guess you'll have to divorce me because I'm having a baby, and so he did not. He made an empty threat. He still stayed in the marriage, but I will tell you that the reason I tell you this story is not for you to feel bad. It is because the 12 steps have shown me far before I took my first breath, I have been living with this feeling of not worthy enough.
3:43 I'm not good enough for my own dad, so I'm never going to be worthy enough for any other man or any other relationship. And you know, I just figured that out a couple years ago because of the steps, you guys. I had finally seen that I'm the one that's in charge of my value. I'm the one that gets to write my story today. I don't have to go and follow the same lineage that has happened in my family, you know. I can do it differently, and to be the one person that does it differently in your families, like I give you props, I clap for you, because my mom was outed by her family. They thought she was in a cold, and she, she definitely had to work her program and learn that wonderful B word, which is boundaries, and I had no idea I was being Al-Anon my whole life. You guys, I thought my mom was just the most like intellectual, perfect wisdom, like, why wasn't she a doctor? Like, that's what I thought, and then when I come into these rooms after she had passed, somebody would say something that sounded like what my mom would say, and I'd say, "Oh my god, she stole that from somebody else, like it wasn't her. And it was really, it was really a lot of fun in the beginning. Someone would say something, but one of my favorite things to tell you.
Guys, growing up, I had a lot of tools because my mom worked a hard out program. One of her tools would be like Kelly, all you have to do is say God grant me the grace to keep my tongue face, and that was one of the tools every now and on. I get very reactive, I have big emotions, and I need you to know, well, I love you, and these - this is how I show you with these big emotions, but I didn't know that there's so much unhealthy traits that happen with love, and I was a product of that, and you know, the 12 steps going back, the 12 steps have shown me that it didn't matter that Bob, my biological dad, had a disease of alcoholism. It didn't matter, you know, that my mom was even working the program. I had to grow up knowing that I'm worthy of being here because I was creating you guys something bigger. The 12 steps, thank you, have given me an idea of what my work is today, and you know, today I get to walk that out, and that's why I think I'm up here with you guys. But alcoholism was at a catastrophic worst, and by the time I was six months old, my mom had had enough of the Al-Anon. She said her bottom was being in the grocery store, she had a recipe card, and it said, 'Get potatoes, and she had all of us in the car, and my brothers were flipping out, and she said, 'Oh my god, there's like five different potatoes, there's russet, there's gold, and she just broke down because she was no longer able to make a decision for herself, like.
And I tell you that because I resonate with that as an Al-Anon. I'm like, I don't trust myself, I don't trust myself. And my sponsor reminds me, Kelly, it's just how you're affected by the disease of alcoholism, it's just a byproduct of that, and today with the 12 steps would help. I get to learn a deeper trust in self because I have a connection with a higher power today, that guy in my life. So she'd give me these tools, and oh yeah, the potato thing, Mom would say that was her bottom, is not knowing how to pick a potato, and this guy came over that worked there, and he's like, 'Ma'am, are you okay? And the kids were.. I was crying as a baby, and the kids were fighting, and she just said, 'I don't know what potato again. She fell to the ground, and he said, 'It's really not that big of a deal. And she said, 'No, you don't understand this, like it is. But that was how bad it was. By the time I was six months old, she gave my bio dad divorce papers, and I will tell you, I only met him twice in my life.
7:28 My biological dad, my, he was a part of my brother's lives, and I remember thinking as a kid, well, what's wrong with me, like why was he there for the boys, but then by the time I became a mom, I wasn't good enough, and my mom used to tell me, Kelly, because the disease of alcoholism progresses, and by the time they were born, it had really progressed and done a number on them, and I remember having a hatred and anger towards, you know, alcoholic addicts who I'm very drawn to, and she would tell me, Kelly, go, go learn some compassion. I'm like, okay. Where do I, where do I learn that? And she said, go to an open AA meeting. And today it is one of my most profound tools, part of my recovery. At least two times a week, I go to open AA meetings because it helps me understand that I'm no better or worse, and I've just chosen different things to numb to obsess over, you know, all the things that we deal with. I am no better or worse, and I'm so grateful.
And in the beginning of step work, my sponsor had me do the doctor's opinion from the Al-Anon perspective, so anytime I said drink, I would say think, obsess, hear all the things I go through, and by the end of that, she said, you're no longer as mad at your wild dad as you once were, and I was like, really, you can see that, and she's like, definitely look at what you've stated here, and I think from that day on it has been a way to love him, you know, a way to be so grateful that he had alcoholism, because it forever changed the director of my life, like I am so grateful. I will tell you that he died on Christmas Day of his disease in 2006 and I have a lot of compassion for that today. I was really angry, I was like, oh, great, you know, another person I've lost in my life, I'm not worthy of anything, but I was placing a value on a human being, and today I know not to do that, and that's one of the things the steps have helped me with, and like I said, I grew up with a lot of big tools as an all-imon. I'll tell you a little bit how I was before when you would say fire, I would scream and react, and today with a little bit of helpless steps, I know, so like I said it in a meeting yesterday, somebody's urgency is in my emergency, and I still react so quickly when someone says Kelly John, and there's a page in our literature that says if you're sitting at the table and somebody says, hey, pass me the salt, how quick I am to pass the salt.
But if somebody said to me, Kelly, pass me your serenity, like I'm really guarded with that one today. I won't just hand that over, but it is so quick in my Al-Anon disease, how I can get affected by another person's behavior, and that can spin me out of control, and I obsess, and I stay up for days, and I do all the same things, but learning the compassion has been the biggest gift, and who really wants to die of their alcoholism? You know, I thought that he drank at me, and I thought, like, oh, there's something wrong with me, because he was there for the boys, and today I know what a gift it was that he knew enough, even in his alcoholism, to remove himself, so that I didn't have to grow up with that, I didn't have to grow up in active alcoholism. Today I choose recovery instead of reprimanding myself. Today I choose reflection instead of rumination. You know, these are the tools that I have today. Today I choose harmonize instead of catastrophize or minimize situations today. I have spiritual clarity, but the fog had to be cleared from steps. I couldn't have done it on my own, you know? Like, and I'll never stop being a proponent for steps, because I'm amazed, especially in working with others. How the steps really help you find yourself, like you come alive, and you, you understand that you have a backbone and you have a purpose in this world.
11:19 And I was like the most meek shy person you could ever imagine, and today I just think like my mom's somewhere out there just cheering me on, because what brought me through the rooms finally was her death. It was not alcoholism anymore. I could not look at myself in the mirror and be happy with what I was looking at, and I thought that was just how I was gonna live. I thought, like, you know, what my siblings are doing great, so what's wrong with me? I just haven't figured this out, but that gift of time has really shown me that I needed to sit in it, I had to stoop in it, I had to be very uncomfortable in the painting to be willing, just the tiniest bit, to do something different to get out of it, and my sponsor says, Kelly, you're really good at smashing your head against the wall and looking before you do something, and that's pretty.. that's that hurts, you know, to know that I beat myself up that bad, that I take the steel bat and I just whip myself, and yet today, like program says, okay, we look in the.. we look in the rear view mirror, we don't stare back at our past, you know, we look forward on what we can do today with the tools that I have today, and again, I just... I want to make the message clear that my mom did it differently in my family, and now today I get to keep the chain broken, and it's a lot easier to keep it broken, guys. There are parts of me that want to go right back to the insanity, because I am so drawn to it. It is like in my DNA. I've only dated alcoholics and addicts, and they have something I want. They really do. They've got charisma, they've got this joy, they got funny, and I'm like, that's what I want for the rest of my life, but when I was with my ex, my mom said something to me. She said, What? Why are you attracted to him?
Because I was on a different level than where he was at the time that I met him. He was just all about partying, and I was like, this is fun for the summer, but not my whole life. And my mom asked me that, and I said, Mom, it's just for the summer. I will tell you that summer lasted 10 years, but I'm really grateful for that summer. That summer really showed me how sick I am, how sick I become. I still become being in relationship with an alcoholic or addict. There are a couple things I wanted to make sure I put, I got my time coming up. Pain has purpose. I would have never believed that when I first came through these doors, I would have said, you're crazy if somebody would have told me that your life is going to get so good because of 12 steps. I would have said, you're crazy, like there's no way, there's no way. I'm only meant, Kelly is only meant to be mediocre. I'm not meant to be seen, I'm not meant to be below, but there's something in there that's just average. Don't look at me. But yeah, make sure you say hi and acknowledge me. Everything is rubbed against my unworthiness wound, and I see from the moment I was in her in Euro, I believed I'm not good enough, and the story of Alan has been able to help me. Not only are you worth so much more, like you know, I settled for promise today, I say I get the whole cake, the sprinkles, and the candle, like I am worth that much today, and I understand that I'm not asked to be perfect, you guys, and I'm not, and I always tell my Swansea's, like, I'm not always available, I'm not a mom, I'm not married, there are so many things I don't have in common with my Swanseas, but I tell them the one gift is have five. Numbers on your phone when I'm not available, because God wants you to reach out to somebody else. You know, I'm only here to hold your hand. I am your biggest cheerleader. I can't tell you how my life has changed because of my Swanseas.
15:11 Like, I'm going to be at a loss of words. The love that I've experienced because of my sponsees working their program, is something that, again, I can't put a value on. It's utterly priceless. And how it's changed me, how it's humbled me to see someone growing through their pain and saying, like, you know what, today's a bad day, but it's not a bad life. Like that tiny perspective that changes is just such a gift to me. I will say that before I came here, I had what I call a microwave thought, which is like one prayer and God answers right away. And steps have shown me that really I have a crock pot thought. Patience, patience really is a virtue, you know. I need to sit with it. I don't need to react today. I like to say that I have this beautiful blinked out pause button on my belly, and that I'm in charge of pressing that. I love the acronym for pause - it's paying attention until serenity emerges, or practicing awareness until serenity emerges, and that I'm in charge of that. That's my job. I will finish with this.
Words can they don't come to mind to say how grateful I am that I had a mom that worked a program my whole entire life. I didn't know I was being elevated until after she passed away, but being in that grief and missing her so badly gave me her back when I walked through these rooms, and I met up with some of her friends, and I was so terrified to see them without her. You guys, like, she was my security blanket, and I thought, "I can't do this, I can't do this without her, I'm that codependent. And yet I reached out to somebody else that held my hand while I felt like I was going to crumble. I just didn't think like I was worthy enough, and I thought I don't even have alcoholism that's bothering me right now, so how am I worthy of sharing about anything? Like, I didn't want to share about my grief, but it was bursting at the seams every time I'd open my mouth, and the sponsor said, "Kelly, don't you think everyone is in grief when they come through that door? And I was like, "Oh, okay, yeah. And I know today grief doesn't just mean death. There's so much grief in the family disease of alcoholism, and I dealt with it, and I'm still dealing with it. But today, because I work a program, I have damn good relationships in my life, and they know the B word, and they don't necessarily like it, but they respect it, and they say, 'We know you're working your Al-Anon program, and that's all I could ask for is this respect that I believe I give to them, and I hope they give to me, but I'm still okay, even if they don't give it to me, and I just want to thank you guys so much for the gift of your tea.