To Think kindly up and when I came into the room, so I wasn't thinking too kindly about a certain person, and I certainly wasn't grateful to now, both those feelings and seeing so many people that I know through the years, and being here, I'm going to cry, I'm sure, many times, because I'm just thankful and grateful. So when I was kind of reminiscing, because there's so much in 39 years, and a lot of good stories, crazy stories of shame, stories of progress, I look now, because it's always good when you're doing your personal inventory, and I realize that some of my best growth has probably happened since I moved out to the desert, which is now I moved in 2018 so you figure out the math. And I realized that when it comes to my program, there's basically a routine that I had to make work for me so that my recovery would be something that wasn't something that I thought of. It's something that I became and in order to do that, having been a teacher for many years, you need to practice. It's like anything in sports and doing any activity that requires some sort of proficiency, you need practice. And I just think it's interesting that step 12 is we carry this message to others and we practice it, the principles in all our theirs. And so anyway, here are my five practices, and you'll learn where I was, how I got here, and where I am today, it's kind of a doozy for me, and I hope you'll enjoy the ride.
2:07 The first practice that I truly feel all of us somehow, Master, so to speak, Master. And I say practice is step one because step one gets us in here we eventually, oh, my God, I'm a mess, right? Well, this is how my step one evolved. So I was born on Christmas day in a Catholic family, at three in the morning, and the first is six. Now some of you may think that's really cool. You were born on Christmas. And, you know, I've heard Catholic can be kind of cool, but can kind of be weird. And, oh, you were in charge of six. Well, guess what? That situation, Christmas Day, Catholic. All I could hear growing up is you were born on Christmas at Christ like be good. Set an example. At five years old, I went and I only knew Spanish. I come from. My mom and dad were both Spanish in their background, Latin, Portuguese, Italian, all that mixed in, but their main language was Spanish. And so I'm five years old, getting ready to go to kindergarten, and I wake up like two days before, and I have this huge foil on the back. And so my mom takes me the doctor. Now I don't know any English, right? And all I remember is being in one room, my mom and the doctor talking, and I hear this word. I don't know why. This is the one word I picked on stress. So I asked my mom, my mom could get in this dress. And she just went, Child of God, you'll handle it.
4:02 Get this with me. I was a perfect freaking kid. Any mom could want, any dad could want. I never made any mistakes, but it was stressful. So off I go to college, go through high school. Everything was mommy pleasing brothers and sister, pleasing my brothers and sisters loved me because I was always taking care of them. I was doing their sack lunches, you know, you name it, I was like the best sister to have. And I honestly loved it because it was attention. And this is how I got my love, you know. Was like, what would you really liked? What I made? How cool, you know. And the same thing at school. Okay, so now I go off to college, and I'm so relieved, although I'm getting ready to go, and here comes the Catholic guilt. And the Catholic guilt was this, my mom sits me down. I'm supposed to be going to the University of Redlands. I'm super. Decided I want to be a Spanish teacher. Blah, blah, blah. And she goes, sit down. And she goes, you know, you're the first born. Your dad went to USC. Are you sure don't want to go there? You got accepted there. Guess who ended up at USC? And guess who met her wonderful alcoholic there,
5:29 I fell in love with this guy who was a Juilliard School of Music graduate. And it's so funny because it wasn't about the looks, you know, even though I was about a girl that wanted good looking, but when he played the piano, oh my god, take me away.
5:49 So we got married, and I just thought, this is perfect. He can play the piano. Catholic. He's Italian. He can cook. I didn't know anything about anything, because being raised Catholic, I didn't know about getting pregnant. I didn't know about birth control, because we don't talk about those things. So for them, I get pregnant right away, and life started to change, okay? All of a sudden I started noticing, how come you're at church so long? You know, I know you're the music minister. Well, I'm hanging out with Father, so and so. And don't you bitch about it, because your dad's there too. I'm with a man of the cloth and your dad. So this became a pattern, and it got to the point, and this is where step one comes in my first practice, where my life was so unmanaged. I was managing my life that I was unmanageable. I was so crazy. And for me to actually get to this point, my body, which some of you can identify, I went into denial. I was teaching high school at the time. This is like seven or eight years into our marriage. Now he's drinking away partying with priests. Back in the day, a lot of the priests had days off. They go to Vegas together. I could tell you stories, and I know that in our program, we do not talk religious tenets, but this is part of my story and what got me here, so accept it in that form. So okay, so now I'm teaching high school. We didn't have back in the day. This tells you how old I am. We didn't have dry eraser boards. We didn't have transparency. We had ditto machines and a chalkboard. I was so in denial my hair, which was probably trying to see somebody that has beautiful, long black hair.
I think that wonderful girl in the back that helped me when we got here, hair, hair like yours, curly, Latin down, falling out. Oh, must be the shampoo. Then I go to my classroom, start writing, and my hands would shake because they were so raw from eczema. Stress eczema. But you know what I told myself, Oh, I must be allergic to the chalk. Okay, so this is how practice one powerless over alcohol. Finally had to hit this crazy lady in the head. I'm living in San Dimas at the time, and there's this town called Covina, some of you've heard about it, the capital of sobriety and all that good stuff. And I am driving back from teaching. My kids are in school. I only wanted to teach part time so I could be home to do something. And I'm in this little V dub. All of a sudden, from nowhere, I just knocking on my thing, and I'm in a VW in the middle of the intersection, you guys, and I don't even know it stopped, and this person is knocking Lady, are you okay? Lady, are you okay? And finally I kind of shake my head, and I look over and I couldn't even respond. Basically, I was having an anxiety attack. I somehow get to the side. Don't know what happened to this man. Must have been an angel from the good Lord. Now this is where step one and God will carry you when you can't even carry yourself something. Just told me, keep walking. I walk across the street. I'm wandering like a loonie. What just happened? I go into this little strip mall, and there's this office, and it says National Council of alcoholism. So I decide I'm going to walk in, and this lady is sitting here, just like Amy. Jewel. And she goes, I've been waiting for you.
10:05
Well at that moment, two hours, she sat with me, and she said, You need to get to this wonderful place called Al Anon. And that was my first Al Anon, meaning a week later. And to show you how sick I was, I walked into that room and all the women had hair like I do now, and I were walking in there, and I go, Oh, my God, you have to be old to be an Al Anon, because I didn't know anything. All she did was listen to me about the drinking and all the craziness that was happening in our home. And, you know, I could tell you all those crazy moments, like him knocking over the Christmas tree, showing up at the stadium, drunk, you know, but it's not about him, it's how I recovered. And so I get finally into Alamo, like two, two to three weeks after that, and I'm going consistently. And so this practice of looking at my life just step one. Why am I so unmanageable when I'm doing such a good job organizing everything. Why? What is wrong with me? And I just love the fact that that particular step and that need to figure it out, and someone willing to tell me, You know what? Just keep coming back. Just keep coming back. And I feel one of the things that I noticed that happens now is that I don't see as many of us. And I'm not saying this is critical to our program. I'm just saying, please be the one that does this, please stay after a meeting and greet a newcomer. If someone hadn't done that for me, I don't think I would have stayed, because I'm a stubborn little bitch. Know It All. I went to USC. I was a college graduate. I taught high school. I mean, come on, I'm a smart girl, and so here comes the second practice that entered into my life. Thank you. Thank you to Ellen. Concept four, participation is the key to harmony. If those women hadn't told me, I'm going to these meetings and afterwards ago, what's that? You know? Because I wasn't even paying attention at the meetings, guys, this is how sick I was.
I come in and you guys were laughing away. I couldn't talk because I hadn't worked the steps right. And so I'd be going, oh my god, she's wearing those kind of shoes. What's wrong with her. I kind of look over there and I go, she's knitting. Why is she knitting? Are you allowed to do that? You know, I'm so judgmental, not even being open to what was being said. And so finally, I think it was like, my second or third meeting. I go to this fire chat meeting in Covina, which I thought that's a cool name. I'm going to try that meeting, you know, because I was just trying things to figure out. I had told myself, if I don't find another woman in Al Anon that had a husband that drank with priests and knows my kind of business, then I'm out of here because they're full of crap, because I thought it was the only one that had that in my life, right? So here I am at this Fireside Chat meeting, and this lady comes over to me. She goes, Oh, guess what? We have a little participation thing. It's called, we're doing this rotation thing. And I'm going, What are you talking about? She was, well, we have this thing called rotation of leadership and and we need somebody to do the literature too. And you know, you'd be perfect for it. Okay, so I go, Well, what's that, you know? And so then she shows me the table. You bring the box back and forth and all this stuff. And I thought, Well, God, that girl didn't have a tablecloth on hers, you know, so the next time I come in, I've got everything beautiful. Do you think anybody said thank you?
14:34 They're going, Oh, my God. What's this pamphlet about? Oh, how much is this? Would you like a cookie? You know, so participation, this concept of leading to harmony and showing me the way that it's not about me, and needing the validation and being told, you know, you're wonderful, you're great. Eight because I wasn't getting it at home. It's like maybe if you do that kind and caring thing for someone else, you might get healthy too. And slowly their love started to show me how to love. So what's happening at home at this time? My husband's still drinking. I'm not that much in Al Anon, maybe a couple months, and I come home one day I find out he's gone. Now, where is he right? And this was one of the episodes that
15:41 I'm not too proud of but everything has full circle, because if this hadn't happened almost 10 years later, I would have never been an allentine sponsor. So I'll tell you how this song came about. So we have this tradition that he would put the angel on the Christmas tree. He's a music minister at our church. He had been drinking too much after the midnight mass comes in, the kids had been up waiting for dad, and he comes in. The whole down tree family. My son is seven. My daughter is 12. She became the mommy Maria. You know, come on, we're gonna go upstairs. Everything will be okay. She's already taking care of her baby brother, and I'm just looking at him on the floor with this tree, and I go, I'm not gonna pick it up. And you know what I did? I went to the phone. We had phones back then, you know, I don't know how many of you know about that. So pick up the phone, and I called my principal on Christmas Eve, okay? And said, Guess what, I'm not coming back. And I hung up the phone. I i have never done something, so that was a teaching of how to be responsible.
So I found out that he didn't have a job either, and I didn't know that he had been leaving in the morning, making it look and so here we are. Both of us know jobs, and this is how beautiful. The good Lord takes care of you, and during this time, women are taking me to meetings. I'm now doing this literature thing, beautiful or so, I think I finally got a sponsor because I fired the first one because she was too, you know, oh my God, you're too rigid. And you know, I was my second sponsor. I have to tell you about Okay, so, you know, I'm I'm Miss USC, right? I dress properly. I look proper all this thing. I'm a teacher. My second sponsor went for years. She smoked. I never smoked. She wore jeans. I wasn't allowed to wear jeans growing up, because girls aren't supposed to wear pants, so I only had skirts and dresses, and she went and helped me buy my first purchase. I mean, she was like night and day, but that woman had wisdom. When she spoke, she had wisdom. So here we are. I'm now at this stage where he does have a job, I don't have a job, and one of the teachers that I used to teach with had a wife who called me up because, you know what, guys, we think nobody knows, but everybody knows the students on my husband drinking the church, half the church knew, especially if he played the operatory song at the end of The mass instead of the beginning of the middle, one time a whole crew came up, and they go, that was the damn best dance I ever went to. And I'm just pissed, you know.
18:52 So here we are, and she called me up. She goes, you're bilingual, right? And I said, Yeah, because you taught high school Spanish, right? So you know how to write and read and go, yeah. And she goes, I have the perfect job for you. Are you working yet? And I said, No. So I went to work for an insurance company. That exactly my third month. I got full benefits, and in that third month, I get a phone call while I'm out on the road because I was a bilingual translator for lost control, and I'm out on the field, and the lady calls me from home human resources, and says, we need you to come in. One of your family members has checked themselves into the hospital. So I'm thinking, who's that? You know she and she goes, You need to come in, so I go into the office and she said, your husband was just checked into St Luke's in Pasadena, which no longer has this program, but because I was working at that insurance company, he was able to go into his recovery in 1986 for a 48 day program.
Be totally paid by my insurance company, miracle. And guess what? Remember I told you that six month thing that I was going to wait and see if some girl showed up. It was getting close, right? So st, Luke's has this recovery thing, you know, the family all goes, we go and listen to this couple, and they're speaking, and she gets up and she goes, Yeah, my honey, who's now sober, right? Because they were doing like the chapter nine thing. I don't know if any of you know what chapter nine is. It's a family in recovery, and they would have meetings like that, so it's her and him, and she goes, yeah, he's a pastor. He used to drink. We have two children. I have two children, and she was two years older than me, and I just started crying, and I knew I was in the right place. So that was another practice that I said, I'm gonna stay this is the key participation. So how did our life go? We get into recovery. I think everything is wonderful. We're into our first year, and he comes home and he goes, guess what? I want to open up a restaurant. You're a fucking alcoholic. Are you nuts? Neither one of us knew anything about I mean, I'm a former teacher now I'm doing this bilingual translating thing. He's now teaching music. And I go, what? And and then I go, and you're not it goes, my sponsor told me that after one year, I can come to you with the plan, and I know it's a plan that's going to give you a heart attack. I'm almost there, but will you look at it when I make my one year? Well, I'm thinking, okay, so I go and talk to my sponsor. Now it's a year and a half, and we were having an Al Anon, like a fellowship retreat that was being held in Redlands. And my sponsor said, I want you to go on this. It'll be really good. And it was already on the books, and it was the same day that he came back and said, What do you think about it? It's now been over a year, and I really want to do this. So I go away thinking it's going to be the sky the, you know the whole bit? No answer. So I came back. My sponsor says, Well, you have some options here. Pray about it. You can do this, you can do that, all the different tools that were given.
And then she said, And have you ever considered it doesn't have to be forever. And I went, never thought of that right to me, I do something, I do it like whatever. So I committed. So I said, Yes, and we have the most amazing life in recovery for 14 years, we were speaker couple. We were just, I was just like, wow, this is great. Well, here is where practice three comes in. Because one thing that some people will experience in this program, if you do not adhere to a discipline of the 12 Steps, which is in survival to recovery, one will willingly surrender to the discipline. Now, what is discipline a practice? And what is a practice, something that you make proficient on a regular basis, so it becomes a part of you. Was I doing that? Why should i i have this great life now. We're booming our business. The children are growing up. He's sober. Oh, I won't go to that meeting tonight. I don't really need to do that. And that is what is called complacency, which is a killer in our programs. And so during this complacency where I'm now down to just one meeting or just speaking, once in a while, something happened, life, death, sickness and the economy which we had a restaurant. So what was happening? My brother in law was found dead at the age of 40 from a drug over, drug over, what is called over overdose thing on the floor in his home at 40 in LA, Canada. We're known. We're restaurant people, so they totally managed to cover up the story. His dad was diagnosed with cancer. My dad was diagnosed with cancer, and my mom was going to get ready to have breast cancer surgery. Now that's a lot of stuff for people.
25:14 People that don't know how to handle things out of left field very well, because my MO is, let's fix it, and his MO so it wasn't pretty, is all I'm going to say. And we experienced really bad situation to the point that I had to do a real inventory that became my second my third practice a personal inventory that became a regular inventory. Because I wasn't doing a personal inventory on a regular basis. I was just okay. I'm grateful. This is great. Call the sponsor, maybe go to a meeting, and I realized I wasn't looking at my part. I was spending so much time trying to fix everybody and take people to hospitals, and once, it was so overwhelming that we both just did our thing that we did well in the marriage, everything started to crumble, and I had an experience that I speak to women that don't believe that this is a progressive disease, and that is that I experience being beat up. I experience being really hurt, emotionally and physically. I experienced a lot of our employees really being abused, and I had to do a restraining order. Now this is a woman that is takes a lot of pride, right? I have a lot of pride. I now own a business I'm known and whatever.
And every single step of the way, God was there with little things the day that I went to do the resting order. I was telling her the story. It was so shameful, but I knew I had to do it. I have bruises on me that took pictures. And then I said, Can I speak to your boss? I need to speak to your boss. And they were really great. The police were really great. At that time, I was amazed. And the main Sheriff came in, and he looked at me, and he goes, Mrs. D, he was a former student of mine, and he sat down with me, and he said, Don't worry, I'll make sure it doesn't get in the paper. And that I know is my God. And so from that day forward, that practice I went to, I so grateful to the program on this participation that I was talking to the other practice, because during this time he's now in sober living, I told him he couldn't come home or trying to deal with rebuilding the business, because he had done some damage with employees, with money. It was just all these things coming together.
27:57 And I remember telling myself, somehow you're going to get through all of this, somehow you're going to be okay. And when I'm doing this personal inventory, and I'm starting to journal and I'm just seeing my part in it, I realized, oh my gosh. I left my job, my teaching job, and I never, ever called them up. I never apologized. I was too busy into the disease and trying to fix things. And so I talked to my sponsor. I said, you know, I've been doing this, and I need to call merit. That was my principal. And she goes, Do you think you can do that? Do you think this is going to be, you know how we talk about amends, whether it's going to be hurtful to the person? How are you going to handle all that? And she goes, You know what? I have a suggestion. Utah High School. You're good with kids. We need a now, a team sponsor. How would you like to be an allot teen sponsor? And I went like, Oh God, I don't think so you'd be perfect. Well, I followed directions, so I became an allot teen sponsor. And today, you guys, today, one of my allot teens that was 1415, at the time when I started, who's now 23 I shared it with her, and I don't know who else I shared it with. I get this text, Maria, guess what? I'm gonna have a baby, and I'm so happy, and you had to know about it, and I'm just like, this girl went to college. This girl has an awesome boyfriend. She has a great relationship. She's in program, and she became an addiction counselor, I mean, and to receive that today, when I'm with you, it's just like, what? Yeah, yeah, right.
So, journaling. 14 and and and step 10 became my major third practice. I never let up, and when I went to a convention up in Ventura, like I said, a lot of this happened eight years ago, and I'm now putting this all into my routine, she got up and the speaker said something about how she did her inventory, and because I never know, like, okay, take out my journal. Okay, what am I going to write about? You know, you know, everything's okay today, and she goes do this three things today. I woke up I'm either glad, I'm mad, I'm sad, and so I started to do that, and I noticed that I had a pattern. Why is it this week that I've been mad every day? Why is it this week that I've been sad every day? Why is it this week that I've been glad and I realized how much of it depended on me being responsible. Have I been taking care of my body? Did I not eat? Did I do the halt thing? Did I go hungry? Too long? Did I not go too many? So just that simple thing every day, today, I'm glad. I'm mad and sad really became part of my journaling and part of my step 10 inventory, which is now just basically my routine. So what happened with my wonderful honey and I? So this is how this wonderful lady came into the picture. So he comes out of sober living. I have all my boundaries in order. He gets back into program, and we just think everything's fine. We're now in 2001 this relapse happened in 1999 we have been with the restaurant now all those years, 1415, years, my daughter is working with us. She helped get a lot of things in order, business wise, with her background, and I think everything's going to be okay, right? We decide to get a home in Maui. We're going to retire in Maui in steps Angel.
32:10 I'm doing conventions over there. Well, lo and behold, during all this process, life was so good for him, but I also think that he hadn't dealt with his own personal demons. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't know what he was going through. Maybe he still hadn't dealt with the deaths of two parent, you know, the parent, the dad and the brother.
32:34 And I find out that this man who goes with me to Maui with my last visit with my dad. This is a guy that used to drink of little priests and used to drink of my dad. He's very close. We go to Maui because my dad is now dying of bone cancer, and my dad's last wishes were, I want to make one more trip to Maui before I die. So we go, and the entire time he's I'm gonna go here. I gotta go to a meeting. But he was gone like the whole day. Okay, so after a week, I decided, and this is where participation is the key to harmony. I had made a lot of friends on Maui going back and forth. I was very involved with the now, the club that's burned down in Lahaina. And I asked one of the girls who I know had some police background work. I said, I need a private investigator, because he was going to stay and work on this home that was supposedly going to be our second home to retire in. And while I was in California at the restaurant, this investigator, within three days, found that he had a woman, he had taken out money under my name and just a lot of things. And you know, even though he wasn't really bad in his personal addiction, I think he was taking pills. I honestly don't know. I think the investigator did say that. But here's the thing, everybody makes their decision of how they can live with an alcoholic or an addict in their own way, my Catholic religion played such a big part of me wanting to make it work when there were times we really both had that desire and we both were doing it. But when two people don't come together and see eye to eye, it was the hardest decision I had to make, because I believe in marriage, that's just me.
34:55 I'm not saying that it may not be good for someone else. I know a lot of women and men that have stayed with their spouse and that person still occasionally drinks or whatever, but I can't do that, especially with a woman, so I filed for divorce, and that was, oh, think it was 2000 10, 2012 and yesterday was the anniversary of my dad's passing, and I'm really proud of myself to look back and honor the people that loved me when I couldn't love myself. I had a lot of Al Anons there that day, but my two brothers, who didn't really know anything about program, they just knew about me and Vince being in recovery, my ex showed up at that funeral, completely drunk, screaming and yelling, and my two brothers came up to my mom and I, because I'm the oldest and we're up there, and they whispered in my ear, and I had my sponsor behind me, and they were saying, It's okay. We got it covered, and they managed to remove them without causing a scene. But, you know, I look back on that now, and I have compassion in that moment, I had hatred like you wouldn't believe. I mean, I could swear a lot right now and tell you how I felt that moment, and I know my mother felt it too, but to be now in this place on the anniversary and know that that man is he's suffering right now, I know he's suffering. He's divorced the woman that he left me for because she was an alcoholic addict. He's had several girlfriends in between. He's moved several times, and I made a deal with my adult children, and the deal was, you have only one father, that father you need to make your relationship. And I never bad mouth him to the children when the divorce said, you know, much I wanted to, but I knew what was that going to serve. And so I know right now it, I really feel that my children will probably get a call one day because they had to set boundaries with their dad on Christmas, he showed up in there. They had a separate Christmas because my daughter lives in Florida. My son went out there, and he showed up really bad, according to them, and they said, We don't want you, Dad, when you like this. So where am I and how am I now practicing so you've seen step one. You've seen my participation is the key to harmony. You've seen how important step 10 is, which brings me to journaling, which I journal every day. I do step 10 religiously with meditation, and sometimes meditation for me, is just walking and talking to my sponsor out in the beautiful desert, right? So
37:47 Step Five comes in, and that's the most beautiful practice that I love, and that includes all of you, because it's tradition five, and that tradition says that we do our best to welcome families of alcoholics.
38:04 That is our purpose, you guys. And he's done that for me through the years. So now I'm in 2012 my dad's dying. I have filed for divorce. I have tons of debt because of this divorce. I own a restaurant, which now I have to also leave because I have money and debt tied into that. So I now have basically no identity.
38:38 What am I going to do? And I am not kidding you when I say how the Al Anon fellowship carried me during those times, I even remember when everybody pushed me. You can probably remember too to be the Inland Empire chair. And I'm like, I you know, this is how selfish I am, right? It's about me, divorce, and you want me to share with you, I don't have that kind of time.
39:08 I have to feel sorry for myself. It was like, What are you thinking? You know, seemed like every time I was in the depths of despair, right? Whether it was setting up a literature chair table or whatever, there they were, this is what I think might work for you, and I am so grateful to that tradition, and i That's why I'm here, because I want to give back, and that's why I stay, because I can never repay all the love, the fellowship, the caring. There were days when, after my dad died, and I'm like, What am I going to do? I'm in this house alone, I traveled. That's how I met Kathy. I mean, I would go all the way to Santa Monica. I'd go. Up to tradition five, meeting with Benny, and I just go, I can't be in Covina, because they know my story. You know, this is, this is shame. You know, that's, that's crazy me, you guys. This is why we kept coming back. Look at how long I've been here, and I'm still nuts.
40:22 And so here I am, and I'm doing a grief and separated class. I'm doing two and three meetings. I've got a therapist. I mean, this lady is on full fledged What the heck is wrong with this Chica, right? And so I keep telling myself, you're going to be okay. You're going to survive this. You're going to be okay. So what happens? I'm sitting down in between San Dimas and Glendale at a coffee shop, and I'm starting to feel sorry for myself. I do that really good, you guys, yeah, to the point that a barista will even come up and go, are you okay?
41:04 So I'm sitting there, and all of a sudden I have this thought, one of my best customers had lost his wife nine months ago prior to this whole time. Now I'm now 18 months my mom's grieving. I'm doing all these classes. I don't know what I'm going to do. I have this little pocket of money. I have a little thing that I'm helping people with, and they're paying me, but I have no idea. All I know is I want to get well, right? And so I think about this guy, and I go, Oh, my God. He was such a great customer. His wife. Do something nice for someone else, Maria, do something nice. Okay, so I thought, I'm gonna, I'm gonna write up a note. So I did it in my journal, and then then I only shared it with one person, my sister. Now my sister is the only other person that has done recovery in my immediate family. So she goes, Oh, you journaled about that. That's really cool. And I said, Yeah, but isn't that crazy? I mean, is something wrong with me? They're thinking about some guy who lost his wife and, I mean, what's wrong?
42:05 And she goes, No, that's beautiful. You You didn't do anything, you know, whatever. And so she tears the page out of my journal, and she goes, I'm gonna mail it. So fast forward, he got the letter, he didn't call. So I go, Okay, you're a bitch. What's wrong with you? So of course, that was at least five meetings worth. I mean, I'm turning myself in everywhere, like, Okay, you guys, this is why we come back, because you do crazy things like me. And so here I am, and then I find out again, my daughter's getting ready to exit the restaurant. Now we're going to close it down. I've been gone for a while. She calls me up, Mom, you have to come in today. You have to come in today. Dad showed up, and he's really bad. And La, la, I just thought, honey, I told you I'm not going, Please, mom, just this one time I go to the restaurant. Who should be there? He hadn't been in our restaurant since his wife had passed, and I now show up. So what do I do?
43:13 Did you get my man? Okay, here's the beautiful thing of how it works. On our third date, my sponsor calls me up because I'm on her all the time, right? I'm going, Oh, my God, this is going good. I got a guy. Oh, life is good. And now I'm going back to meetings and convenience and demons. I'm a now the team sponsor, everybody loves me. So then she goes, You got to tell him about it. All in all, she he's gonna say, say, love me, right? And so we're on our third day. I just like, and he goes, Are you okay? You've been kind of like, I gotta tell you something.
43:54 So, of course, me Miss America Blabbermouth teacher. I can't just say it, you know, simple. I have to give him the whole history. Make it sound really good, right? You know, give all the little details, like we tend to do. It's like when we do our sob story with our sponsors, right? Like you don't understand, okay? And I said that at least three times, and he's just listen the whole time. And he goes, so, Maria, I want you to know my brother has 33 years in AA, and he's involved in the triangle club. And I was in Al Anon for two but now I do church. And he goes, girl, you do Al Anon. And this guy and I today are now 14 years going to be 14 years, 13 and a half years together, and
44:53 He supports me like 100% with my program. And we're are. My children, where is my family? Where am I? Well, I'm here with you. I try to live more in the present. I do my best with those practices. I know that journaling saved me. I put so much crap on paper, you guys, cartoons, pictures, daggers, love, notes, everything. My kids are going to have a field day when I die.
45:31 What mom did, but that was such an eye opener to look back at myself and I can either see how much I've grown or I can see what I really need to work on. And I'm sorry, but I definitely still need to work on judgment. I could call out a couple girls on their hair do right now. No, seriously, I just I realize now it's about me being responsible for me, not you not worrying about you 100% of the time that I'm so consumed with you and what you're doing and how you're doing it, and you're not doing it the way I said that I can like, wow, I can enjoy life, because I'm not exuding that kind of energy now.
46:25 What is it that has transpired and affected my family? A lot of beautiful things have happened as a result of this. My brother was able to come to me and tell me about abuse with a priest. No one in the family knew. I was able to help him to get into some good therapy. I told him also that I thought he needed some program, because, even though his wife is not a drinker and he's not a drinker, I said you were affected, dad to get a lot of drinking. You know you saw you saw me and my husband, and we were fighting and screaming and doing crazy. I think that might help you. So now he's doing Al Anon, and then two years ago, his wife called me and she said, I think my son's an alcoholic, and so she's now doing recovery in San Clemente. She's going to take her first year cake. And here's the best story, here's the best story of how wonderful this program is. When I went through my divorce, my son, who's now 46 had had two miscarriages with his wife and they were both in a bad place. My son started to choose to drink, and with covid, he exasperated really bad. Now we can say it's genetics. We can say it was a family. We can say whatever you want to say. He chose to call himself an alcoholic, and when we chose to do an intervention, which at first, I was hesitant, but my daughter and I and the daughter in law agreed, he was so shocked that his dad showed up. I was two, and at that time, he was a year sober because he had divorced the alcoholic wife. He's not in a good place today that he went into recovery, and a week from today, God willing, my son will have four years. And the only reason he's not here today was because he's going to be going to another convention with his sponsor, and so it wasn't because of my hand.
It was because I showed up, suited up for myself. Yeah, in the beginning, I was trying to please you with those damn cookies, okay, and trying to get you to love me, and trying to get you to understand you don't understand your husband didn't drink with priests. What's wrong with you? Right? I'm more important than you, but today I realize I must be that key. Let it begin with me. Let it begin with me. And you know what me is a freaking lot of work, you guys, which is why I had to literally put practice into Maria's routine. And I'm really proud of myself that I pretty much diligently done those fine practices every day. Step one, okay, am I powerless? What can I manage? What is my business to manage? Right? And every day, right? Right? Either gratitude, right, either I'm pissed off, but get rid of it. And the last thing I want to share with you, because now I'm supposed to end, is when we celebrated our 50 years, there was this book at the International and one of my sponsors. Went to the International and she goes, I bought you this book, which I thought, wow, how thoughtful, right? But the interesting thing was, she goes, I want you to read what I wrote inside. And all it was was a sticker. And she goes, this is my favorite phrase. And she goes, and it's on page 212, in this book. And there's so much wisdom in our literature. Guys this simple phrase, Al Anon tells me to live one day at a time. Today is that day, and if you think about it, be present. Be grateful, which means to Think kindly of Be thankful, which means I recognize the good. And today, my eyes, like Bill Wilson said, I have another pair of glasses. I see so much better than I did when I came in. Thank you.