0:04 So I have 28 years. And Diana, thank you so much for the invitation, and congratulations so that the committee members and I know you guys have done a lot of work to you know, get here, so I really appreciate all your service to carry the message. So it's such an honor and a privilege to get to carry the message today. So I want to welcome you if you're new, could I ask you, if you're new, can you raise your hand like within the first 90 days? Welcome. Welcome to Alcoholics Anonymous, so we really want you to stay and so I know some of you, some of you have heard me before, so I'm sorry have to hear me again, but I want to talk to new people, okay, and everybody. So I said my sobriety day I was born and raised in Japan. Can you tell my name is? Yuko So, okay, so Japan was my problem.

1:24 I was the fourth of five children and two brothers and two sisters, which is kind of unusual. Most of my friends had only one or two siblings, so I was very embarrassed growing up like big family, many siblings, and I was just always, I always felt different, and you hear that at a meetings, but I was really, really, really different and really, really weird, so I just didn't fit in. You know, the problem about living in Japan is that 99.9% of the people are Japanese.

2:05 That was a problem for me, and because I just didn't like Japanese people.

2:12 So I was a weird kid, and I was very dysfunctional kid, and my teachers would send me. Send, I mean, through me, send my parents notes. You got to do something about you go. I was very dysfunctional, but I had no place else to go. So I just did not know that I could even ditch school. So I just kept going to school, but I was always daydreaming, just, you know, drawing during the class, and I just never did my homework or never just participated. I was just really, truly a weird kid, and I thought I should have been born to be a boy, so I thought that was my problem.

2:53 So So I acted like a boy. So in our culture, there's a significant difference between Girl Talk and boy talk very different. So I talked like a boy and I dressed like a boy. By the time I was a teenager, I am okay. So I was the tallest girl in my class. Always I was very tall, and I have big hands and big feet. And in our culture, this is my perception. The tinier, the better, if you're a girl. So I was really tall and big, and like hands, my hands were big, my I mean, my feet are big. And one time, I went to a play day at my friend's house, and we take off our shoes, right? That's our culture. We don't wear shoes inside the house. So, so my friend's mother came home and saw my shoes on the porch, and she said, Oh, who brought her father today, pointing, you know, my Converse and and then they laughed, you know. And like, that's not funny, you know. I just so I had to write that down, you know, on my inventory, you know, so stuff like that. I was just very sensitive. So anyway, I should fast forward. Okay, so I was very weird. And, yeah, my brother, who's he, was an overachiever. He lives in LA too and but he was six years older than me. He still is, and he used to, he, he was a mean older brother.

4:38 Do you have one of okay, okay, thank you so so he would tell me like you could You're an embarrassment. I wish you were not my sister. And because he was super good looking, he was the pitcher, the ACE, on a baseball team in his high school. And baseball is huge in Japan. It still is.

5:00 And he was so popular with girls and everybody. He was just a straight A student the president, you know, student president, stuff like that. So he was really embarrassed about me, you know. And so he was like, You're an embarrassment. I wish you were not my sister. You are stupid, ugly, no good. You will be single for the rest of your life, because nobody, nobody will want you. So, yeah, some people just, you know, I thank you for being compassionate, you know, like, because when I, whenever I share that, people like, oh my gosh, terrible. It is terrible, right? But, I believed him, you know, but he and I today are so close, you guys, so don't worry about it. He's just the sweetest, sweetest, sweetest brother. I'm so lucky so, but back then, he was mean, and then I but I believed him, and then so I was convinced, like, Okay, I'm no good, I'm stupid. I will be single for the rest of my life, I'm not lovable, and so I just acted very differently. I had a spiky like short hair, like those petite Japanese girls. I knew I could never be like them, so I was just, I just acted differently, dressed differently, and that works, you know, for a little bit, I couldn't have had small conversations with people. I was a clown in my class. People would, you know, look at me and laugh at me because I looked different. I just acted really I just so that's just the way I used to cope. And because I was so insecure and I just hated myself, I was like, Why was I born? That's how I felt growing up, seriously and then, so, of course, everything changed, as you can imagine when I first started drinking, and I was almost 18, and I went to this minor, daytime, really, minor party, so we're still kind of innocent, and somebody brought a bottle of Suntory whiskey, and they started just tasting it, you know. Hey, let's try alcohol, see what's going to happen. And then they're just having a, you know, sip, and then, like, they would cough it up and just pass it on to the next person. But the bottle came to me. I started drinking it. I loved it instantly, and I held on to the bottle. The bottle did not move from here, you know. And I don't remember how much I drank. It was not a wild party, as I said, so nobody was drunk except for me. I was completely wasted and made a fool out of myself, and I grabbed somebody's guitar, and I started playing the guitar and singing out loud. I had never done it before because I was super shy, but I had played the guitar for seven years by then never I mean, so that's what alcohol did for me. And then next thing I did was I started telling everyone in front of me their character defect.

7:55 For the first time in my life. Oh my gosh, I felt so good. And I and but the most embarrassing thing I did at the party was that I'd had a huge crush on this boy in my entire high school years, and he was going to Tokyo to go to college. There, we're in Nagoya, so he was leaving me. So I got on him. I got on him, on top of him, and I was like, Please don't leave me. I love you. And he's like, Who's this girl, you know? And that was my very first drinking episode. And I absolutely fell in love with alcohol, you guys. Alcohol transformed me. It was astonishing. That was my life completely, completely, completely changed, and that, you know what my older brother said, you know, I just still believed it, but then I just didn't care about anything anymore. That's what alcohol did for me. And I knew, you guys, I knew that my life's going to be great as long as alcohol was right by my side, whenever I want to drink it, I can drink it. So that's I was super conscious about it, but little did I know that I was an alcoholic at that time. So I became a party girl. I went on to college, and then I have arrived, you guys, I became a party girl, from this really insecure, depressing, depressed girl to this party girl. You know, people thought I was fun to be with, funny and smart, and then guys just I had I couldn't talk to boys up until I started drinking, but boys seem to like me because I let them sleep with me, you know, so. But if you're new, you guys, if you're new, I don't do that today, because aa works.

9:54 So. My first real sponsor, Lindsay Jackson. She passed away a couple years ago, but so she was this beautiful blonde lady, shining example. And she I didn't think she and I had anything in common, but when she shared, she said, I used to be a slut, and they're like me too.

10:26
She became my sponsor. So anyway, she saved my life. I'll talk to a talk. I will talk about her later. But so back to my crazy drinking days. And so, yeah, it was so much fun. And I, yeah, I partied really, really hard. I became a drummer in a rock band, and I still play the drums today. I mentioned that I'm a musician, and so alcohol did that for me, you know. So life was great and was so much fun. And again, you know, this, you guys hear like it was so much fun and I didn't see any problems, and then, but little by little, I started having some problems, but I was in denial. And then people started just, I don't know, just getting pissed at me. So like, what's wrong with them? You know, I like but my attitude was like, you know, I do whatever I want to do. Don't bother me, and you do whatever I want you to do. If you don't like it, you're out of my life. You know, that's what alcohol did for me. I became really like an arrogant, cocky person.

11:31 So anyway, so I was a tornado. And of course, of course, after I got sober, I made lots of amends to those people. I had, I harmed, I heard and so, but okay, fast forward. And then I graduated from college, not in a proper way, but I did. And then I started working for a musical instrument company, because I'm a musician. And then I had, by then, I just was sleeping with a lot of people. I always had a steady boyfriend, but I just didn't care. I have no respect. So, man, I'm making living amends to men like in general, really, I really so I respect you. I treat you with respect because you. I did not know that you guys had feelings.

12:19 You guys laugh about everything. I love you. Oh my gosh, so.

12:25 But seriously, you know, I just treated them really poorly because I just wanted to make myself feel better, you know. And you I used men, you know, so

12:35 I forgot to tell you. But I've been happily married to a wonderful person. Some of you know Keith Prendergast and and we've been together for 20 whatever. We got married in year 2000 so, since 1998 so, and I've been faithful to this person. I mean, that's Thank you miracle and AA is the only face you can brag about being faithful to your spouse. So thank you. I love alcoholic women. So okay, so anyway, so I met another hymn. And so this guy, I was working at this Musical Instrument Company, he and I were in the singing band that I fell fell in love, according to Lindsay Jackson, you see, I fell in love, you know, so I fell in love with this guy only because he had a curly hair.

13:41 So that's unusual for Japanese guy, so, but he had a naturally curly hair, and so I was like, He's so cool. And he was also a great guitar player, too. So like, okay, he's he's cool. And, but one day, he's like, Hey, I need to talk to you. I don't like when people say I need to talk to you. No, I don't want to talk to you. But anyway, so he's like, Okay, what is it? And he said, I'm moving to America. So like, oh shoot, I have to find a new boyfriend. Thank God I didn't say anything. And next thing he said was, let's get married and move to America. So, like, That sounds wonderful, you know?

14:20 So I told my family, parents, friends, I'm getting married and moving to America. And they're like, What? Who's this guy? Like, he's the one. So we had a so we had an alcoholic wedding, according to me. You know, of course, it's my wedding, traditional Japanese wedding. If you're the groom.

14:46 I don't know if you know much about Japanese culture, but alcohol is a huge part of our culture. We drink. If you are unable to drink, you still have to drink. You.

15:01 So at the traditional wedding, if you're the groom, you're forced to drink, and then you just keep drinking, and we pour for each other so you cannot turn it down. And if people pour alcohol on your glass, you have to finish it. That's just a good manner. Of course, I have no problem with that, but sometimes it was empty, like, come on, come on. So anyway, so if you're the groom, you have to drink, you just pass out, you puke. That's totally a standard. But if you're the bride, it's a different story. You have to sit still in a beautiful kimono, white kimono, or wedding gown, and then you just have to just be pretty that's what you're supposed to do as a bride. But of course, that's not what I did. You know, I It's my wedding, so I just drank like a fish. I made people drink. I drank. I just would puke, and they're puking, and so just party was on. And I also play the drums at my wedding.

16:01 That was so much fun. Towards the end of the night, after the reception, we went ball hopping. I was in and out of blackout, and then I got I kind of, I was all over some guy who was not my husband. You've done much worse, I'm sure, out there. So and then we got busted, you know, by my husband's best friend, so. And then again, I vaguely remember they started fighting. So I'm like, stop fighting. Don't ruin my wedding. You know, next morning I came to, literally, I came to with the worst hangover, and my new husband did not say a word. He didn't say, Forget about this, or how dare you so. Like, yes, he's my guy. So I so we, we moved to LA and we were living Burbank, but the first day married together, something tragic happened to me, not to him.

17:05 I think you understand. He said, Stop drinking, yeah, oh my gosh, yeah. That's tragedy, right? So because I left everything behind and moved all the way like, 5000 miles away to another country to drink, you know. And alcohol is so much cheaper here, back then, back then, you know. So I was so excited to party with you guys. I'm gonna go to American bars. I'm gonna drink American beers. I'm gonna party with American people. I was so excited. And this guy I hardly knew, just telling me to stop drinking. So I couldn't believe it. I would have left him right then, but I couldn't, because I just told them, you know, everybody, everything's gonna be great. And also I just I realized, okay, I have to, I don't speak English. He speaks, he spoke some English. So like, Okay, I have to use him until I get settled. So that's exactly what I did. And then it was not great, you guys.

18:04 I again, alcohol was, was my best friend. I have to drink behind his back. I would have to drink when he was gone. And I would, I would throw away all the empty cans of bottles before he came home. And I kept doing that. But of course, I smelled like alcohol. We would fight. It was not pretty at all. I was so miserable. And then, and then finally, I was like, I started going to school to learn English, and I met someone who spoke Japanese. He used to live in Japan, so he was bilingual. So we hit it off. So, like, Okay, I got him so I don't need my husband. So I left my husband when he was on a business trip. I moved in with some other guy, not this guy, because, because this guy was so nice, he couldn't even, like, physically, he couldn't even drink alcohol, but he was a drug addict, but he would, he would, he would buy me a Sahib, super dry. And I was like, Oh my gosh, he's so sweet. So I moved in with him, and then, but something again, these things were going wrong, because this guy I trusted this my roommate, took my money. He disappeared. I got evicted because I was paying him my rent, and then he was gone. And so one day I came home and that the strangers were in my house, like, who are you? They are asking, Who are you? I live here? And like, No, you have to be out of here. So I became homeless, and I did have a car that was falling apart, but I did have a car. I found myself a little job as a teacher at this Japanese school in Palos, furthest because I was raised to be a responsible person. Japanese people are known to be, you know, not known for, you know, our hard working. You know, we are hard workers, and we're diligent, so we're punctual, you know, so I was, I kept showing.

20:00 Up. You know, I just wanted to be self supporting. So I was teaching at this school, but something is going wrong. I just really got confused because I should be happy. I thought I should feel happy. I got rid of him who was in my way right to drink, and

20:25 I got rid of him. So I should be happy. I started going to nightclubs, and I started sleeping with a bunch of guys, and so this is it. And of course, I was drinking a lot and but I couldn't feel happy, and I thought I was there was something wrong, and I actually went into depression. And so I started isolating myself. I found, finally, I found a tiny, like bachelor, like single apartment in a Venice area. And so I started isolating myself, and I was very, very confused. But you guys, can you know, tell that what happened to me? I alcohol stopped working for me, yeah, and I did not know that, so I kept chasing the effect produced by alcohol. So I started drinking even more and more and heavily. I was able to drink a lot, but I just kept drinking so much, but I could never get there anymore, you know? And then so I started missing work, which is a big no no for me, right? But, but I was still in denial. And so my boss, Peggy, was her name, so she was my Allen on, which means she really, really wanted to help me. And she started pulling me aside at work, and she would tell me, Yuko, you have to get yourself together. They're gonna let you go otherwise. And I was like, is she talking about,

22:01 I'm overqualified for this position. They're lucky to have me, you know, that was my attitude, you guys. And how dare she say that? And so I didn't, you know, listen to her, but she because I started missing work, you know. And I'm sure I felt I smelled like alcohol all the time. I was always hangover. But she went on, she's like, you know, Ginny. And Ginny was Peggy's best friend who was a substitute teacher at that little school. And so I met Ginny before, and Peggy was like, you know, Ginny, she's my best friend, and she's in here's her number. If you ever want to go to an AA meeting, she'll be happy to take you there. And I was like, I had no clue, you guys, I had I had no clue what a was about. Alcoholics Anonymous was about, but it's called Alcoholics Anonymous, so I knew that it was for alcoholics. So I was highly offended. Like are you implying that I'm an alcoholic? I cannot be an alcoholic because I'm Japanese.

23:07 That was my thing, you know. So, so I didn't listen to her, but I really, you guys, I really went into a major depression, and I was because when alcohol was working, I loved myself. I loved you, I loved the world, but now I hate myself. I cannot stand myself. I hate you. I hate the world. I hate everything. I hate life. And like when I was a little girl, I was like, why am I alive? That's how I felt. And I was so confused. So around that time, I was like, I think I'm losing my mind. So I started seeing a psychiatrist, you know, just I was desperate, just trying to find out the cause of cause of my misery, and if I found it, find the cause of my misery. I thought I could fix myself. So that's what I was doing. In the meantime, I kept drinking and drinking and drinking, and I just kept messing up, you know, and so, and I also, I had a therapist, and then, like, I was blaming everybody. I was the ultimate victim, you know. And during that time, like I would go see Amy, that was, that was my therapist name, and I would park my car just feeling like, why am I still alive? And I would go to the office, and then I sit in my chair and waiting for Amy, and Amy would come in, and my session was 15 minutes. And during that time, for 15 minutes, I felt okay, because she was like, Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. You go, wow, that's tough. Oh my gosh, I was able to talk about me, me, me, me, me. And I felt like, yeah, poor me. And then, and then, like, Okay.

25:00 Hey, you go, I'll see you next time. And then I Okay, and then I just get up and close the door and started walking the hallway to the parking lot, and I felt much worse than before my session. You know, therapy session, it was not helping at all. You know why? Because therapy therapy is great for certain people, but I suffer from alcoholism. I did not know how to live with or without alcohol anymore. So anyway, so I have to fast forward. So on my 32nd birthday, I am so my boss, my sister in law, used to party with and my psychiatrist. They all told me I should go to AA, and my psychiatrist got me through the 20 Questions. I just said, no, no, no, I was told I totally lied, you know, so and then so I was like, Okay, I'm a self filled person. I'm really, really, you know, just, I have a strong will, so I can do this on my own. Never thought that I would ever quit drinking, of course. I mean, drinking was everything to me, but I could drink less, right? So that's, that's what I was trying so. And then I mentioned about how I treated men, and I was a nightmare for those people, so they got disgusted with me. And so by that time my 32nd birthday came, I was trying to drink less, and I would, you know, visit those guys like two or three in the morning and making their lives miserable, and I was just the loneliest creature in this entire world. So on my 32nd birthday, I was like, Okay, I deserve two beers. Two beers, two so that's my plan, and

26:59 I went to this bar across the street from my apartment building, and meaning to drink two beers, and I was really suicidal, so I ended up trying to kill myself, and I got locked up in a psychiatric emergency room at Harbor UCLA, which is 10 minutes from where I live in Carson and So. And I was like, No, I don't belong here. I don't belong here. And so next day, I said, this is a mistake. I'm Japanese. I don't belong here. So. And then they're like, call your psychiatrist. And I called my psychiatrist. I'm fine. I'm not gonna kill myself. No, you know. And I totally lied, and because my plan was to kill myself, and but they said, Call someone to have them pick you up. And I couldn't drink. I couldn't call any of my drinking friends, and I called Peggy, my boss, and so she came right away, because she was my Al Anon. But guess who? Guess who she brought Jeannie and so Peggy gave me that look you guys are all familiar with. You know, she just looked at me with the pity, and she was like, What happened to Yuko? You're such a good girl. Why do you do that to yourself? I was so annoyed by her, and

28:22 I couldn't answer any of her questions. And on the other hand, Jeannie, I hardly knew she was a member of AA. She hugged me and she said, It's okay, it's gonna be okay. And I cried in her arms because I knew that she knew how I felt. And

28:45 Jeannie also passed away a couple of years ago. My first sponsor, Lindsay, also a couple of years ago.

28:54 I called Jeannie every year my April, I really didn't have any contact after that, but she came to pick me up from the hospital for this newcomer. She was so kind, and she said it's gonna be okay, and that's the only reason she was just kind she was an attraction of this program. That's the reason why I called the central office. She didn't force me this program to me, and so she I really owe her my life. And so I they dropped me off, and I called the central office, and they said, oh, there's a meeting one block from where you live tonight. And I said, Not tonight, maybe this weekend. So. Another.

30:02 So I have to fast forward. So I started going to a meetings, but I didn't raise my hand as a newcomer. So if you're new and just you identify yourself. Thank you so much. Thank you. I don't know if you've noticed that I'm a crier, like, sometimes I go speak and people bring that the box of tissue.

30:27 Okay, so thank you so much. Thank you. I'm a mess. So where was I? So I started going to AA, yeah, and I didn't raise my hand as a newcomer. In fact, I just, I was like, really, like, Oh, my God, sister, I don't want what you have. You know, that's how I felt. I went to this women's meeting Culver City, and then I tried to fit in, and I some people were just smoking outside on the patio. I went there. I, you know, Japanese people are never late. Okay, so I got there, like, two minutes before the meeting started. So like, then to fit in. Like, hi, hello, you know, I just talked to one lady who's just sitting and smoking, and I'm like, and then they're like, she was like, Oh, are you new? Like, what do you mean? What do you mean? You know, I have no idea. I didn't say anything. And then, so I don't know. And, and she's like, oh. And then I asked her, so how? Let me ask you a question. How long I mean, how often do you drink? That was my question.

31:38 And then she looked, Oh, honey, we don't drink. Like, you don't drink at all. Like, no, we don't. So you don't drink at all. No, we don't. We don't drink one day at a time. So okay, how long have you not drunk? That was my next question. Said, Well, five years, two months and three days, something like that. And I freaked out, oh my gosh. I was like, Oh my gosh, I'm in the wrong place, so I wanted to take off, but meeting time, right? So I had a conversation so I couldn't take off. So like, Oh shoot. So I just went inside because I thought, AU, you know, would teach me how to drink less. So, and so if you're new tonight, and if you think you're in the wrong place, you're in the right place. And so I walked in, and I was an hour long meeting, I heard absolutely nothing, except for, like, those women bitching and moaning and like, whining and just crying, like, oh my gosh, this is horrible.

32:40 And at the end of the meeting, like, what's going on, you know? And then they just, you know, made a circle, and just, you know, oh my gosh, what's going on. And then I keep coming back, like, oh my gosh, I just want to kill myself, you know.

32:56 So soon right after I was ready to take off, and the lady next to me just grabbed me. Like, Oh, honey, wait so, because I didn't identify myself as a newcomer. And so what's your name? Like, you go and like, and so how much time do you have? So, like, I don't have much time. I gotta go. I'm in a hurry.

33:18 So, and I took off. I have no idea, you know. So, so that was my very first a meeting, and I just was not attracted at all. But again, I kept drinking. And I, because I'm an alcoholic, I don't know how to live with or without alcohol. And then I just my life was getting worse and worse. Of course, I just kept drinking. I just didn't drink for a couple days. I got drunk and I got fired by the, you know, by the, of course, I got fired. And so I lost my job, and I started, you know, getting some other part time jobs and but my life was just really falling apart. And then at this meeting, this kind lady volunteered to be my sponsor. Like, do you have a sponsor? Like, what's a sponsor? I couldn't even talk to anyone. I couldn't even ask anyone, like, what's a sponsor, you know? And then I thought, you know, sponsors would give me, me money, you know. So.

34:13 And she explained to me, and then she became my sponsor, and I just dumped all my problems on her. And I never listened to her. I kept drinking. It was horrible. And then Patricia really gave up on me. She didn't really give up on me, but she did because, I mean, that saved my life. She's like, you go, you can't stop drinking. I don't know what to do. And she sentenced to me to the Pacific Group. That's my home group.

34:40 You're laughing. Oh, my God.

34:43 So I know she didn't, right, but that's how I felt. So so like, you go to this meeting and what? What's up a fake group, and she like, you'll find out, I know. So, like, okay, so I went, and then my life started. I.

35:00 In my life, really, my journey started, my sobriety journey, running out of time. So I just want to, okay, I'm gonna fast forward. Okay, so I was in and out, but then I went to the fast food group, and I absolutely hated that group. I mean, people were in my face. I couldn't take it. And I went out one more time, and I went back to the same key group Thursday night, and then people were just in my face. And then I but for some reason, I started accumulating days, three days one week. And then by the time I was okay. So people in my home group did not leave me alone. So if I missed one meeting, they're like, where are you last night, you know? So, like, That's none of your business, you know.

35:49 Like, I would go to the meeting, and so how much time do you have? They would corner me, like, three days, like, so you went out. Like, none of your business, right? So, and then finally, they just really forced me to go to all the meetings every single day. And then they knew how much time I had more than me and Tuesday book study, Thursday key group, they give away chips. So I would sit all the way in the back, and so who's got 30 days, and I would not get up. Who would want those cheap plastic chips? It says we care.

36:41 You don't care. You don't care about me. And you say, I love you. You don't love me. You just don't, you don't know me. I'm Japanese. The thing is, you guys, we don't say I love you very easily. She knows, but you kept saying, you kept hugging me. I'm like, Don't touch. Don't touch.

37:19 We don't hug, but you guys were so kind to me, the worse my attitude, the more miserable I was, The kinder you were, and that kept me here. I couldn't hear the message because my head was so loud. And Lindsay Jackson became my sponsor, and she was so scary, you guys.

37:54 So that's the only reason, that's what I thought at that time, you know, because she's scared, scary. I kept doing what she suggested, you know, and then I started sitting in the first row, and I would get to my meeting early, and I took a commitment. I have seven commitments, and I but I was like, I became like a commitment. My friend Nicole calls me, you. You are commitment, whore and so and then. Because the thing is, if I stay busy doing commitment, I don't have to talk to you guys, right? So I so when people like, Hey, I have to miss a meeting tomorrow, can you do my commitment? Yeah. So sometimes I I would cover like five commitments. That's how crazy I was. And I kept doing that. I stayed so busy. But Lindsay, you know, I finally just, thanks to you guys, the fellowship of AA and my home group carried me through my first year, and then I started working the steps. I started making amends to my family. I'm one of those luckiest people who were very successful in mending really, really broken relationships. My dad and my mom, they both, they're both gone, but until they passed away five years ago and 10 years ago, we just had the best possible relationships, and I was a daddy's girl anyway, and then he got his dad back. I mean, not Dad, I'm sorry, daughter back. I got my dad back, you know, and was just beautiful. Oh gosh, I'm running out of time. But so what happened was, so I went back to school. I got my master's degree. I started teaching English is a second language to adults. I still do that today. I love it. I absolutely loved it. I was in so much fear the first day teaching, I was going to run away, but I called Lindsay, and she's like, stop being selfish, you know, just focus. You know. Just don't focus on making yourself comfortable. Focus on making your students feel.

40:00 Comfortable, treat them like newcomers, click like and then I showed up for my first day teaching. I absolutely fell in love with teaching. I absolutely fell in love and even today, like, you know, just they're immigrants, they're having a tough time, inspiration to me. You know, they're just so dear to me, and I love them, but I'm a good teacher today because of a what aa has taught me. So anyway, and then, so I became a teacher, and then in my first year,

40:33
I wasn't allowed to date, according to Yeah, Lindsay, Lindsay didn't allow me to date, so I didn't which is a miracle for a slut like me, right?

40:48
So that we have our group has this thing called the watch. When we a birthday person is turning one, we get together at the gnomes restaurant in Santa Monica, and at midnight, we watched a birthday person turn one, so that's why it's called the watch. So

41:06 I had a humongous watch. I did. I couldn't talk to you guys, you know, but I was quiet, crazy, quiet, super active member of my home group. That's why you guys were watching me. And so many people showed up for my watch, and I was so happy. I was so overwhelmed. I mean, I just cried, just painfully cried. And Lindsey like, are you okay? Like, I was just too happy. I just was not used to being happy, no, and, but after the watch, I knew that there was a line of guys who would ask me out in the parking lot. Parking Lot of Norm's restaurant. So I went out and then, like, there's no line.

41:50 And I was like, No, you know, and I found God. I was an atheist when I came to AA, but I found God as a result of taking the contrary action. I kept praying, even though I felt stupid. And one day I was like, God, it is not working, you know, because I'm doing everything the plastic Group offers, and I my life is unbearable. So if you're there, you've got to help me. And then I caught myself, oh, shoot, I'm talking to God, you know. So that's how I found God really so. So by the time I turned one, I turned one, and I was like, I was really angry with God. This is not what I deserve. This is not okay, not okay with me. And then I was crying at the way of life Saturday night meeting, and Lindsay was like, you go. She told me what my brother told me, you may be single for the rest of your life. That's how you she used to talk, and she was just brutal. And so she's like, you go, you may be you may never find anybody. You may be single for the rest of your life. And I just cried harder, you know, and then, but she went on, but you go, you know what? You have to find a way to be happy, because God loves you and God wants you to be happy. And I just cried, cried, cried. But that's exactly what I needed to hear. And then I got even busier in my second year. I was super active in my first year, but second year, you know, people started asking me to sponsor them like me, you know. And I don't even speak English, you know, but people started asking me, so I just started just helping others. And of course, you have to to keep the gift. You have to pass it on, you know. So that's what I started doing. And when I was not looking, he showed up, you know. So, right, so Keith and I started dating. I got into so much fear, because I thought he would find out who I really was, and he would dump me. So I was going to dump him before he would dump me. And I told I was crying, you know, with Lindsay, like, I gotta, I gotta break up with him. And so she's like, You don't love him. Like, are you kidding me? I'm crazy about him. He treats me like I was a princess or something, and I can't take it, and I just love him, and he's she said, like, what then just, god damn it, you know, no, she said, Just enjoy it. God damn it. That's exactly what she said. And so, like, is it okay? Like, yeah. So I started enjoying our relationship, and then we got married, and we had a long engagement and got had a beautiful Pacific Group wedding. Was an open wedding, lots of kids, lots of newcomers. Was a great fellowship. It was just beautiful. My sponsor, Marilyn Slater is my current sponsor. Lindsay was my matron of honor, and it was just beautiful. Was beautiful. Clancy came also, and Clancy's The founder of the Pacific Group, and it was just beautiful. 400 people showed up, you know. But that was not the answer to my alcoholism. I have just one minute, so I have to wrap it up. But so

44:59 I'm crazy. I. So intense, you know, I have 28 years, but I still have to stay in the middle of AA to stay okay, you know, just because my head is so loud, Keith and I, Keith is an exceptional man. He's he has 37 years of sobriety, 36, 37 something like, okay, so, and he's such an incredible guy. We've gone through a lot you guys for the last 20 something years, but I'm just so lucky. We raised two kids, and with the principal of the program and two girls, they are 24 and 21 today, and they're such good people. However, my older one when she was 15 or I mean, she was my golden child, our golden child, and then she started acting up. Turned out that she was one of us, and that was by far the toughest thing ever, you know, like for Keith and me to go through, and we actually had to kick her out.

45:58 Her alcoholism was just devastating for us and just so that's the first time I truly understood what I put my family through. You know, alcoholism is a family disease, and it was really difficult, but I had to focus on my program. You know, she has her own Higher Power. I have to take care of my alcoholism. That's when I started helping Japan. So I still help Japan today, because recovery there is quite behind, so I'm out of time to talk about it. But the last two years, Marilyn asked my current sponsor, and Kiko ended up getting sober. She turned five, yes, so thanks to you guys. And she's in the middle of the Pacific Group. The Pacific Group saved my life, and the same group saved my daughter's life, you know. And we, three of us, went to Japan to speak. We ran a conference just like this, you know, in Tokyo conference. And it's just, my life is so beautiful. You guys, if you're new, just please stay because I'm an alcoholic before I'm Japanese, I'm an alcoholic. I'm an alcoholic before anything before I'm a wife, a mother, and all those things are all bonus. You know, nothing can come between me and alcohol, except for AA and God and all of you. Thank you so much.